Getting Current: October 18, 2011

Dear Jesus,

I need your help.  I feel dead inside, trapped in a haze of anger and resentment.  Please help me turn to you.  You are the only one who can restore me to sanity.  You are the only one who can redeem me and clear the blackness from my soul.  As you said to the Father, I say to you now: "into your hands I commend my spirit."

Amen

Hello again.  I thought I would take a break from my Men, Women, and Sex series to write an update on how things are going with me personally.  I have to tell you, it's been tough.  Last week, I lost eleven days of sobriety.  Those eleven days were very nice.  I was praying the Rosary a couple times a day, not because I felt I had to, but because I wanted to.  I was very peaceful inside and doing my best to walk with Jesus and count on Him for my strength.  It all came crashing down when I had an opportunity to look at porn and I couldn't stop.  The life of an addict...

I have been "seeing" a therapist over the phone and I have had some very good sessions.  These sessions have been painful but fruitful.  They have involved going back into my childhood and trying to remember specific incidences that may have caused shame or embarassment.  It is amazing what has been uncovered.  You see, my parents weren't the greatest at being there to explain things, and when they did, it was awkward and left me feeling quite exposed and embarassed.  They never abused me or anything like that, they just weren't able to gain my confidence and have a meaningful conversation.

These childhood events can imprint themselves onto a child, and these imprints shape the way he may view things, handle situations, or even what turns him on sexually.  As an example, and it is embarassing to admit this, but here is one of those memories that I explored with my therapist.  When I was less than ten years old I was at a swimming party with a bunch of friends.  There were children my age there and we were all swimming and having fun.  I was in the pool and I went over to the side.  It was at that point that I saw a little girl peeing in the grass.  I was shocked and excited, as I had never seen anything like that.  My therapist pointed out that I was unable to go to my father and tell him about it.  He never was able, couldn't have been able to point out that, yeah, that's how girls pee.  Boys pee from their penis and girls from a part in their vagina.  That's how God made us, and it's good!

Going back to imprinting, that made an impression on me.  I internalized it, and that imprint has manifested in my later acting out.  See how it works?  It was amazing to me to find out how this works.  When my parents tried to talk to me about sex, it was always awkward and made me withdraw and try to avoid future conversations with them.  I remember my dad telling me as a teenager, "You know what you're not supposed to see and touch."  Ummm.....thanks, I think.  Too late for that when he told me.  I had already seen and touched a lot.  As a boy he had never told me about why I might get an erection and that it's ok.  God made us that way.  Yes it feels good, and our sexuality helps us be strong, do sports, reach out to other people.  It's ok to see a pretty girl and be moved or aroused by her beauty.  I never heard those things as a child.

I also figured out why I withdraw into myself so much when I am stressed out or in a bad mood.  I learned that behavior when I was young.  I learned it because I was awkward talking to my parents about sex, and I withdrew from them in order to avoid feeling ashamed and embarassed.  In a lot of ways, I was left to figure things out for myself.  Sex became something wrong and shameful in my eyes, but still exciting.  I grew very sneaky and aloof as a teenager and went behind my parents' backs in order to do what I wanted to do.

Since I lost my sobriety of eleven days, things have been tough.  I feel terrible about how I have acted  at home.  I have been very moody and haven't been very helpful around the house.  My poor wife, who hasn't been feeling well with her pregnancy, has had to bear the brunt of it.  I have gotten mired down in the running narrative in my head, "You're just an addict, you're a piece of !#$%, you are a failure, you can't take care of your family."  Those are the things we addicts tell ourselves on a daily basis.   My therapist sometimes pretends to be the voices and I have to argue back with them and tell them to leave.  It is helpful and an interesting approach. 

What I really want to do is get to confession and try to keep going.  I find it hard to get back on track with sobriety until I am able to go to confession.  I get totally cleaned off and feel like I am back in touch with Jesus.  Before confession, I feel like I have a big, dark cloud hanging over me. 

So that's where I am right now.  Over the past couple days, I have felt pretty dark and hopeless.  I have felt like a total failure, wallowing in self pity and selfishness.  I am going to stand back up, brush off the dust and try to keep going.  If Jesus can fall a few times carrying His cross and get back up, I can sure get up and keep carrying my cross.  Please pray for me.  I need it.

Getting Current: October 5, 2011

Dear Jesus,

I am not sure of the path I am being led down.  Give me the grace to trust in you so that I may follow your will.  You are the only one who can keep me sand throughout all of this.  Through the intercession of Padre Pio, keep me sober and in a state of grace.

Amen

So I guess the theme of the past couple weeks has been humility.  Right now my family has very little money, not even enough to put gas in our car, and we were short on the rent this month.  If it weren't for a kind and generous friend of ours, helping us put gas in our car; I don't know where we would be.  All in all, it's pretty stressful around here.

Let me back up.  I was scheduled to go to an in-patient facility in Pennsylvania on Oct 4.  I may have mentioned it in my last "Getting Current" update.  There was a hefty price tag, $14,700.00.  Naturally, I didn't have that kind of money just sitting around, and the money tree crop was dismal this year.  There were a couple of financing options that were available.  Unfortunately, due to the fact that I declared bankruptcy a couple years ago, I wasn't eligible.  My wife doesn't have enough credit history to take out that kind of credit line, so we were stuck there as well.

They suggested that we find someone to apply for  the initial line of credit, like a family member or something.  Well, knowing that is a huge undertaking, we asked my sister and my parents to help us with this.  Both said no.  I don't blame them.  I'm not mad at them.  That same amazing friend who has been helping us with gas wanted to help too, but they couldn't risk having that much debt.  Eventually, my wife applied through a different lending company with that same friend applying as a cosponsor.  Unfortunately, that was denied as well due to some stuff that came up in the credit check.

It was quite a dark day when I realized that I would not be going to the clinic.  I was really looking forward to it.  I had prayed, I had sacrificed, and I had tried to follow God's will, but this wasn't going to happen.  I see now that I had put a lot of eggs in that basket and tried to make God's will what it was that I wanted to happen.

On another note, I knew that our rent was going to be short because our account was so far negative that my disability money from the military wouldn't cover the rent.  I thought I would try to sell my trumpet and guitar in order to cover it.  That was a dead end pursuit as well.  The local pawnshops and music stores were not interested in my esteemed merchandise.  I got really mad at God that morning.  I felt like He had abandoned me and that He wasn't going to take care of my family after all.

I have had a deepening realization that all of this drama, all of these circumstances, and even the kindness of at least one person rushing to help are a direct result of my actions.  I have sole responsibility for the state my family is in right now.  If it weren't for my addiction and all the pain and hurt I have caused, none of this would be happening.  Both my mom and my mother-in-law have told my wife that they wouldn't blame her for leaving me.  My mother-in-law told my wife recently that this isn't the life she had wanted for my life.  It hurts to hear that, but how can I disagree?

My wife's sister recently told me off through a colorful barrage of words via text message.  I was supposed to play trumpet at her friend's wedding, and I informed her that I wasn't going to be able because I had given up music for the time being and that I might also be going away during the time of the wedding.  That didn't sit well with dear old sister-in-law and she unloaded on me  She told me that I am the most selfish person she has ever  met.  It was hurtful to hear all that, but how can I disagree?  How can I tell her she is wrong?  I can't...

I was still acting out when all of this was taking place.  Of course I was, I am an addict.  The one good piece of news is that I recently went to a Mass celebrated by a priest that knew Padre Pio of Pietrelcina.  If you don't know Padre Pio, you should check him out.  He is awesome!  We received a blessing with the glove he wore that covered the stigmata, the wounds of Christ, which he carried for fifty years of his life.  I have asked him to take me as his spiritual son.  Since then I have felt a peace and a hope that I didn't know before.

I finally came to a realization through all of these trials that I really DO want to get better.  I am going to be working closely with a friend from my twelve-step meeting that I attend.  We will go through the steps together and do the hard work that comes with working the steps.  It is not easy.  It requires you to go down deep inside yourself and face your inner demons.  I am not afraid.  Through the power of Christ and the intercession of Padre Pio, I will not be alone.  As of this writing, I have five days of sobriety.  I am thankful for this.

Please pray for me, dear reader.  I want to recover and follow God's will.  I want to be a man of God, a good husband and father, and someone who cares for others.  I have been none of those things so far.  It is only through the grace of God that I can do anything.