Getting Current Sep 20 2011

Dear Jesus,

It's a little awkward talking to you right now.  I know I haven't been praying a whole lot lately.  All I can ask is that you don't give up on me.  Sometimes I give up on myself and I lose faith.  Please forgive my weakness.  I cannot stop this on my own.  I have no power.  I feel lost and alone.  Please be at my side.  Please provide for my family.  I can only focus on my own recovery now.  In your name I pray...

Amen

I know I haven't updated in a while.  I wish I could relate some amazing story of how I have taken a complete 180 and am now forging ahead on the path to a long-lasting recovery.  Unfortunately, I would be lying.  These past few weeks have been very difficult.  I have felt lost and abandoned and completely overwhelmed by this addiction.  I wish I could say I haven't acted out at all.  That would also be a lie.  I have looked at porn when I have been able to.  I have gone behind my wife's back AGAIN.  I have cheated on her through my eyes again.  I really hate myself when I do that, but for some reason, I seem to keep going back to it.  

During these past few weeks, I have come to a much clearer understanding of the nature of my addiction and exactly how powerless I am over it.  I have realized just how selfish and self-seeking I am.  I discovered just how much I seek to escape from life and try to find something to turn to.  I turn to the computer, to food, to tobacco, and to porn.  These are the things that rule my life.  I don't know how this came to be, but I know that my life is unmanageable and I am unable to control it.  I have realized how selfish and self-seeking I am, and how much that affects my family.  This is the first step in the twelve step programs, realizing that your life is unmanageable over whatever you are addicted to.  It is a very humbling step.  I have realized the full magnitude of my addiction over the past couple weeks, and have also been disheartened by it.

I have given up everything of my old life.  I am not going to school for music any more, I have stopped singing in the choir at a local church, I am not singing or playing the trumpet any more.  In fact, I have listed my trumpet for sale in the local newspaper.  This is the trumpet that I bought with my own money after I graduated high school.  I have had it for over ten years.  This all hurts very much.  When my wife found the sent emails I had sent to Craigslist advertisements, she asked me to not go back to school.  I prayed about it, and also felt that I needed to leave my job as well.  I got the feeling that I had to give up my life in order to save it.  I have entrusted the care of my family to the Lord.  I know it sounds insane.  My whole life has already been insane, so why not try a different brand of insanity?

My wife was supposed to start a job, but they haven't put her on payroll yet.  This means that I don't have enough money to put gas in my car.  We're also out of foodstamps for the month.  Yes, I'm on foodstamps.  When I have had an income after getting out of the Marines, we have pretty much been below the poverty line.  I can't tell you what a great stress this is.  I'm supposed to be the protector and provider for my family.  I haven't provided squat, and instead of protecting them, I have been the biggest threat in my own family's lives.  This has all really sunk in recently.  I haven't been able to get past it to the part where I let God into my life.  I've tried, believe me.  Either He doesn't feel like answering right now, or I'm missing something.  I don't know.

This is a great illustration of the addiction and how absolutely insane it is.  My wife recently told me that either something changes and I start working my butt off trying to recover or she is leaving.  Any sane person would say, "Hmm, it sounds like you'd better stop.  I know I would."  Yeah, I know that too.  But I haven't stopped.  No, I'm not spending hours on the computer every day, but I am still looking at porn when I get the chance.  It makes no sense.  If I stand to lose everything, why do I still do it?  Because I'm an addict, that's why.  I don't have control over the addiction.

So what am I going to do now?  My wife and I have discussed the possibility of me going to an in-patient facility.  A lot of them are pretty expensive.  I don't know if I'll be able to go, but I found a good one in Pennsylvania.  I hope that works out.  So that's it, I'm totally broke, still caught in the web of this addiction, and I don't know what to do.  I hope God can help out soon, because I have reached my limit.  If you are new to this blog, check out how I got in this mess in the first place by reading my four part story, part one, part two, part three, and part four.

Please pray for me.  This is a really tough time for me and for my wife.  I want to be the husband and father that I haven't been for the most part.  I want to get rid of this blackness inside of me.  I want to be able to look at women and appreciate them for who they are and admire their beauty without sexualizing it and lusting after it.  I want to love my wife the way God wants me to love her.  

Your Brain On Porn: The Science Behind The Compulsion Part 2

Jesus, I don't have any deep or eloquent prayers at this time.  All I know is that I am a sex addict and I need your help.  Without you, I would be at the computer all day and night.  I give you permission to use whatever it takes to keep me from acting out.  I don't care what needs to be done, I will do it.  

Amen

Disclaimer:  You may have noticed in the first part of this series that I refer to sex addicts in the singular with the pronoun "he," when the subject is singular, of course.  For all you politically correct junkies out there, I am not trying to exclude women from the realm of sexual addiction.  There are plenty of women out there who suffer from sex and porn addiction as well.  I'm just too lazy to type "he or she" every time I have to write a pronoun.  

Hello again.  I am now going to continue where I left off talking about what happens in the brain during the addiction cycle, and how it alters the brain structure.  If you haven't read the first part of this article, I would suggest doing so.  You can find it here.  Otherwise you might not know what's going on.  I'm sorry if it is a little dry.  It's hard to bring scientific terms to life so we can all be amazed and riveted.  I personally find this subject fascinating.  It provides a deeper look into why someone behaves the way he does.  Ok, so here's the rest of the story...

Our brains are built to function at the highest capacity.  For example:  when we learn a skill, it takes a lot of practice in order to be able to function adequately.  When learning to ride a bike, I'm sure many of us have taken many spills and skinned many knees as we struggled to gain the necessary skills.  Our brains had to adjust to the muscle coordination needed to balance on the bike and pedal at the same time.  As we continued to practice, we didn't need to think about it anymore.  We were able to hop on and go on our merry way.  Why did this happen?  Because our brains developed the appropriate pathways and neural connections in order to execute this skill without having to relearn every time we tried to ride a bike. 

The human brain works like this in the development of all skills and knowledge.  It stores information away so that we can easily recall it.  This is the brain's way of maximizing efficiency so that it does not become bogged down with having to relearn the same information and skills every time they are encountered.  So what does this have to do with porn?  Ask an addict, and he can tell you that he has thousands of pornographic images stored in his head that he has seen over the years.  This is because all of those images have been "seared" into his brain by the brain's own processes.  Pornography trains the brain to react to the images seen in a particular manner, mainly arousal.  When an addict concentrates on voyeur pornography, for example, he trains himself to become aroused by seeing windows and people in windows.  If he is looking at pornography that depicts younger looking girls, he trains himself to become aroused by girls that look young, or that actually are younger than legal age.  See how this works?

The reason why pornography becomes so deeply ingrained in the brain (ha, a little poetry there) is because of the chemicals released while the addict is looking at pornography.  We talked about the funnel.  When the addict is in the narrow part of the funnel, for him, all time has stopped and all he can concentrate on is the increasing excitement of the images or videos in front of him.  His brain is bombarded with chemicals that increase the rush and help him focus even more narrowly.  As he approaches climax, as is the goal of most addicts, these chemicals bring him to a height of hollow ecstasy and intimacy.  You see, these chemicals, which are meant to bond two people together, are actually bonding the addict to the pornography.  The images become deeply seared in the brain as they are encountered in this manner.  When the addict climaxes, a wave of serotonin is released that brings about a feeling of deep calm and release from stress (Kastleman 2005).  

The addict soon learns to turn to this process as a solution to many of life's problems.  Mark Kastleman (2005) wrote, "Combining repetition with extreme visual images, pornography builds an incredibly dominant mental model in the brain.  As pornography is repeatedly viewed, the mental model grows larger and more dominant.  Deep "ruts" form in this complex network of interconnected sexual images, conflicting emotions, chemical release and climax (p 35).  The addict becomes addicted to the rush of chemicals that are released in the brain.  It becomes his "drug."  

The pornographic mental model becomes dominant in the addicts mind.  He sees everything through the "haze" of pornography.  I can personally relate.  When I view a lot of pornography, I start to see everything as something sexual, even if it is not sexual in nature.  It is like I have goggles on through which I see sex in everything.  Kastleman (2005) writes, "There is a lot more going on in the Pornography Funnel than sexual arousal.  In fact, remove sexual arousal from the process and any similarities to sexual intimacy in a healthy marriage cease.  The pornography-viewing mental model contains a vast array of connections to many emotions, feelings and memories that have nothing to do with sex.  It is these "other" connections that give pornography an enormous power that goes beyond the sexual (p 28).  There is pornography out there in which religious symbols are used, such as one of the "actors" wearing a cross.  That is just sick.  That creates a pornographic mental map even of religion!

As the addiction progresses, the addict starts to view increasingly harsh material.  Like any drug, more is required to achieve the same "high."  The addict views more hardcore material such as fetishes, bondage, rape and other bizarre forms of pornography.  Most addicts live a double life throughout their addiction.  There is the life that he invents and uses as a cover so others won't be able to see his "real self."  The addict goes to great lengths to maintain this cover, using deceit, manipulation, and anything else he needs to do.  He believes that he is vulgar and repulsive, and that if anyone found out about what he does, he would be abandoned and deemed a pervert or something.

The addict can undergo a dramatic change in personality.  Kastleman (2005) writes, "The porn viewer is gradually transformed into a different person.  He can become increasingly tolerant of sexualized media on TV and in the movies.  He may make increasingly extreme requests of his spouse during sexual intimacy.  Or he may isolate himself and begin ignoring his spouse altogether, or become increasingly cold and impersonal in their sexual encounters.  He may exhibit huge mood swings, become increasingly impatient, easily spurred to anger, depressed, withdrawn.  He may become distracted in public, staring at women (p 37).  

I realize that I have been borrowing heavily from Mark Kastleman.  I warned you in my first post that I am not a scientist.  I think it is very important to understand these issues, so I want to make sure that I am presenting clear information backed up by a credible source.  Understanding the inner workings of sex addicts will help us, as a society, be better able to help those who are suffering.  I will sign off for now.  In my next and last post in this series, I will explain how pornography is a catalyst to many sex crimes and how it is destroying our society.  I will also list several sources that will help you better research this topic.  Until next time...

References

Kastleman, M. B.  (2005)  Healing hearts & mending minds.  Orem, UT:  LifeBalance 

     Institute, Inc.

Your Brain On Porn: The Science Behind the Compulsion Part 1

Lord Jesus, I ask you to guide me as I write the truth of an affliction that hurts millions of people.  Please bless those who read this.  Help those who are struggling with an addiction to sex or pornography, that they may find help and peace in you. 
Amen

I will be the first to admit that I am not a scientist.  I know I do not have the brains or the patience to handle all the research and experiments.  That is why I am going to refer to other people who have taken the time and energy to research sex addiction and how it effects the brain.  I will also draw upon my own personal experiences to connect reality with theory.  This post will focus primarily on the physical and psychological effects that porn and sex addiction have on the brain.  There is a substantive spiritual dimension to the nature of addiction as well that I will not address here.  I will discuss the spiritual dimension in a subsequent post.

The first aspect of addiction that must be discussed is the addiction cycle itself.  Nobody starts off with the intentions of becoming a serial exhibitionist, or starts looking at extreme fetishes, or has compulsive sex with prostitutes.  Those behaviors are not built within our natural tendencies.  When someone is acting out in an uncontrollable manner, it is usually the manifestation of an addiction that has progressed over some period of time.  According to Patrick Carnes (2001), The addiction process "begins with the delusional thought processes that are rooted in the addict's belief system" (p 15).  Everybody has a core belief system about themselves that affects how they perceive reality (Carnes 2001).  This belief system is what guides us in our every day lives.  The addict has a belief system that is greatly impaired.  I can attest to the fact that addicts feel unworthy, alone, isolated, and beyond assistance.  The addict's only consolation is the need for sex and sexual release.  Sex becomes a consolation, a reward, a pastime that the addict turns to in order to vent feelings of frustration, loneliness, and despair.

The cycle of addiction usually starts early on, with the addict feeling isolated from friends and family.  A very common first sexual experience is with pornography.  Many an addict can relate the first time he first was exposed to pornography:  dad's Playboy, late night cable, a porn video left in a player.  That first glimpse is a huge rush.  It produces feelings of excitement and arousal.  Finally, here is something that can  make the addict feel better.  It's his own private pleasure.  Couple that with masturbation, and something very powerful is formed.  A cycle is created where the addict seeks to escape with increasing frequency into that realm of fantasy.  He starts to count down the minutes until he can get the next "fix."

The first time I saw pornography was in sixth grade.  A friend of mine, who was an excellent artist, copied some pictures out of his dad's Playboy and handed them out to people.  I was electrified.  Wow, a naked woman!  I stashed those pictures away and would look at them all the time.  I also started to try to find other pictures of naked women.  I looked in underwear ads, friends houses, everywhere.  I was fascinated and needed to see more.  You can see more of my early story in How I Became Addicted to Porn Pt 1.

So what is going on here?  Why is pornography so powerful?  According to Mark Kastleman (2005), "Pornography is powerful because it takes advantage of and taps into mental models with powerful emotional, biological and chemical connections throughout the brain and the rest of the body (p 18).  Our sexuality is something that is hardwired into all of us.  It is triggered at the onset of puberty and grows and evolves into something that allows us to have a close relationship with our spouse as well as to reproduce.  We have in each of us powerful feelings, emotions, and hormones that direct our sexuality.  After this consideration, it is no wonder that pornography and sex addiction are so powerful and seemingly unbeatable.

There is a very specific process we experience as we experience sexual arousal and ultimately, climax.  It is sometimes referred to as a "narrowing process", in which powerful hormones are released in our body that enable us to "tune out" practically everything around us.  Mark Kastleman refers to it as a funnel.  Think of a funnel with a wide top, a very narrow middle, and another wide end at the bottom.  It looks like an hourglass.  This is a diagram that represents that narrowing process as we move through sexual arousal.

The top of this funnel represents a wide perspective.  The addict is aware of everything around him, and is functioning normally.  The addict then moves into what Patrick Carnes calls preoccupation, where the addict is overcome with thoughts of sex.   This causes the addict to search, sometimes wildly, for sexual stimulation Carnes (2001).  When the addict begins to receive that sexual stimulation, commonly through use of pornography, he moves into the narrow part of the funnel.  This sexual stimulation can be attained through prostitutes, stalking, strip clubs, public indecency, etc.  He then moves into "addict time", where the addict is unaware of everything around him, including the passage of time Kastleman (2005).  I can remember looking at porn for hours on end, and after "coming to", realizing it was after midnight, and I had been there for six or more hours.

The narrowing process releases powerful chemicals in the brain such as Dopamine, Norepinephrine, Testosterone, Oxytocin, Vasopressin, and Serotonin.  These chemicals aid the brain in being able to focus narrowly, to experience greater pleasure and excitement, attachment, and a calming feeling after climax Kastleman (2005).  These chemicals create a powerful imprint on the brain, and creates a strong connection in the addict to pornography and it's relation to sexual climax.  It is while an addict is in the grip of the narrow view that he is completely immersed in his "dark side."  Kastleman refers to it as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  In the middle of the funnel, the addict is Mr. Hyde.  Think of tunnel vision on steroids.  That may not be a very clinical analysis, but it's the best I have for it.

The addict leaves the middle of the funnel usually after climax.  Immediately he returns to "real time" and enters into what Kastleman refers to as the hopeless dialogue.  This is when the addict feels shame, guilt, and self-loathing.  He usually vows to stop his behavior and promises to himself never to do it again.  He doesn't understand what he was just doing, or what he was thinking.  According to Kastleman (2005), "Once he descends into the Pornography Funnel, he gives up his ability to "think."  The overpowering flood of chemicals overrides his cognitive thought and reasoning abilities.  The frontal lobes-the logic center of the brain-are virtually shut down and the limbic system, which controls the pleasure/emotional centers of the brain, take over" (p 31).

At this point, we are going to take a break.  I will continue to discuss the escalation of sex addiction and how an addict seeks greater and more risky behavior to experience the same highs.  I will also discuss how porn addiction had been described as more addictive than heroin.  I hope you have found this informative.  Until next time...

References

Carnes, P.  (2001).  Out of the shadows:  Understanding sexual addiction.  Center City, 

     MN:  CompCare Publishers.

Kastleman, M. B.  (2005)  Healing hearts & mending minds.  Orem, UT:  LifeBalance 

     Institute, Inc.

Where Do I Go From Here?

Dear Jesus, right now I feel empty, lonely, and hopeless.  I don't know if I actually can beat this affliction.  I cry to you, O my God, I am at the end of my nonexistent strength.  I don't know what you want, I don't know what to do.  I feel the demon rising inside of me, taunting and tempting me.  I can't fight it, I can't beat it, I can't do a thing against it.  Help me, O Lord, to give myself to you, completely and utterly.  My faith is so weak.  Please have patience with this sinner.  Win the battles I am not equipped to even enter.

Amen

Yeah, I know I said that I was going to write a post about the science of addiction and all that, but I need to talk about some other things that are on my heart at this time.  Right now, I am absolutely helpless.  I am not returning to school, which weighs heavily on my heart, I left my job, and I STILL want to look at porn.  I can feel it inside of me, like a darkness, trying to get out.  It has been my comfort, my drug, my celebration, my self-medication.  I am not going to say that I have been completely sober since the incident where my wife left for a night with the children.  

I know how it looks.  I can see some people saying, "Dude, your wife is about to leave if you keep this up, why are you even thinking about it?"  You're right.  There is a certain level of insanity to an addiction.  You end up acting against all sense, judgement, and prudence in order to get the "fix" you are looking for.  I feel empty, like God isn't listening.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  I find it hard to pray to Him right now.  I still believe in Him, I just sometimes have a hard time approaching Him.  

This dark part of me really does want me to go to my wife and tell her that I really can't do it, that she needs to leave.  It tells me that it would be easier, and I wouldn't have to face all these inner demons that are tearing me up inside.  I feel completely broken, a pressure cooker about to explode.  I am helpless, Lord, be my strength!

I do attend weekly meetings of a twelve step group for sex addicts, and I have a sponsor that I talk to regularly.  There is also a psychotherapist who offered to give me counseling for free over the phone.  Is it really worth it?  Is there hope?  Can I get past this and live a life where I am free, passionate, a good husband and father, and close to God?  I don't know.  I guess this is where true Faith comes in to play.  What I must do now is COMPLETELY give everything over to God, again and again, and let Him mold me in His image, and show me the way to support my family.  

As an addict, I am not in control of anything.  I have been a slave to pornography for most of my life.  It has nearly destroyed my marriage, and skewed the way I look at everything.  I am tired of this.  I want to be done with it, but I am too weak to even put up a fight.  God, be my strength!  Come into my life and give me a reprieve of my addiction.  I cannot do this anymore.  My inner insanity will destroy everything I have and lead me to a life of despair and destruction.  

These are the things that we addicts experience.  We are completely controlled by our obsessions and powerless over them.  The addiction progresses more and more into depravity and leads us into committing grave acts.  Please don't think that I am excusing this behavior.  It is evil.  But when an addiction progresses to a certain point, the addict can become a serious danger to society, despite whatever he or she may do to stop the addiction.  We are responsible for our actions, but the addict who commits a heinous act is not even in control of himself anymore.  Luckily, my addiction never ventured into the realm of seeking the "real thing."  I never went to prostitutes or sexually molested anybody.  Thank God.  But there are those who do, and their victims suffer greatly due to the actions of somebody who is completely powerless.

That is where I am right now.  I call out to God for strength.  I cannot do anything for myself because I am helpless.  I am a small child reaching out to his Father for a piggyback ride.  Lord, I am yours...

How I Became Addicted to Porn Pt 4

Dear Jesus, I beg your forgiveness for the many sins that I have committed against you, against my family, and against myself.  I rely only on your mercy and forgiveness.  Please show me the path of righteousness that I may follow you always.  Without you, I am weak and unable to do anything.  I give you my life, my will, my body and soul.  Cleanse me of the darkness that has pervaded my soul.  Shine your light in the dark caverns of my heart that I may be redeemed.  Be with me in my hours of weakness.  I beg you, Jesus. 

Amen

Ok, I promise this is going to be the last post in this series.  It will probably be the hardest for me to write, as it will bring up things that have happend very recently.  Anyways, so here I was, out of the Marine Corps.  I managed to get a job working for a start-up non-profit organization.  I was the only employee and was tasked with getting things going.  I was glad to have the work, although it didn't pay very well.  I wasn't acting out as much, as we had a good filter on our home internet, and I didn't have many opportunities.  However, I still was able to manipulate my way into it occasionally. 

The kicker came when one of the board members offered one of his own offices for me to use.  I had my own computer.  Can you see where this is going?  Yup.  I looked at porn there too.  I even kind of got caught one time when the board member came into my office and saw something on the computer.  He never mentioned it, but I knew that he knew.  I liked the job, and thought it was going to be my life's work, when I was fired all of a sudden without any warning.  It wasn't for looking at porn either.  I won't get into a whole lot of details for legal reasons, but suffice it to say that I was pretty poed.  All of a sudden, I was jobless and broke and really resentful.  That's a good recipe for more porn.

Luckily, I was able to get into the local college for music.  Here it was!  I was saved!  I admit, it was a challenge to go to school with a bunch of recent high school grads.  I was almost thirty!  Plus, the girls were pretty good looking as well.  My wife was wary of it, but I started classes and did pretty well.  I quickly found that I could check out a laptop from the library and find a corner and look at porn.  During the summer after my first year of college, I started to get bored with just porn.  I started looking at Craig's List, I signed up for a couple of adult hookup sites. 

I never actually was able to make something work, but I was actively looking to have an affair at this point.  That's not good.  Things progressed with my porn addiction to the point where, after the first semester of my second year, my wife threatened to leave me.  I was so devastated that I spilled my guts to a girl that I knew at school, who I also told that I wanted to be "friends with benefits."  I soon realized my error and apologized, but I was a little scared that it had actually happened.  I started a twelve step program for sex addiction, and actually saw some results. 

I had a blissful two and a half months of recovery until I got lazy with my prayer life.  It is God that sustains any sobriety, and when you let Him go, so does your sobriety.  I started looking at porn again, and quickly got up to the point where I had left off.  I was looking at it in the library for hours and still checking out ways to have an affair.  I was still unable to make any progress with it, fortunately for my marriage. 

After my sophomore year, I worked that summer and still continued to look at porn when I had the chance.  Things came to a boil when my wife found all the sites that I had joined, all the messages I had sent to Craig's List people, and realized how much I was still looking at porn and not trying to recover.  This was a few weeks ago from this posting, by the way.  She took the kids and left the house while I was at work.  She went to a friends' house and left me a note.  It said pretty much that if I didn't do anything, she wasn't going to come back.  It was up to me.

Here is where I had to make some tough life choices.  I can't tell you the conflict that I experienced.  There was a part of me that WANTED her to just go so I could do whatever I wanted.  That was my addict part, the insane part of me that couldn't stop the addiction.  The part of me that loves my family missed them being away for just one night.  I said a Rosary that night and vowed to go make things right with her.

I got to the friends' house where she was staying.  I was a little awkward and didn't know how to start.  She had some demands.  She didn't want me to go back to school.  I reeled at this suggestion.  This was my passion, my attempt at a real career.  She wanted me to leave?  I also had to attend as many twelve step meetings that I could find, talk to a therapist, and pretty much do everything that I could.  It took me a little while, but I agreed to withdraw from school.  I even quite my job.

I got the feeling that I was supposed to give EVERYTHING up to God.  My life, my finances, my marriage, my kids, everything.  I disenrolled from school, quit my job, and said, "Thy Will be done."  I can't tell you how hard that is.  I am still not well.  I have much work to do.  We just back from the beach.  It was great.  I loved taking my kids to where I went as a kid and giving them some of those same memories.  On another note, I had a hard time dealing with all the visual imagry that was available. 

So that's it.  We're up to present now.  I can't tell you how it's going to end, because the story is still unfolding.  I am still a sex addict and completely powerless over it.  I cannot do a thing to stop it except to completely surrender to God.  Please pray for me and my marriage.  I don't want to lose my family.  I really don't.  My wife can't handle it anymore and will leave me if I can't stop.  I tell you that I can't.  Only God can do anything for me at this point.  St Paul said, "In my weakness I am strong."  If that's the case, I should be able to take on Samson pretty soon, 'cause I am REALLY weak. 

My next post will be a little different in that I will be attempting to explain some of the science behind addiction, and how it affects the brain.  You're right, I'm not a scientist by any means, but I'm going to tell you what some of the guys who actually know what they're talking about have to say.  God bless you and keep you. 

How I Became Addicted to Porn Pt 3

Lord Jesus, I am completely and totally powerless over my addiction.  There is nothing I can do on my own that can overcome it.  I turn my life over to you.  Guard it and defend it as your own.  I will not fight, but rather surrender completely to you.  I humble myself before you and anyone who reads this post.  Please bless everyone who comes across this blog.  Help the person who is suffering from this devastating addiction.  Also, please bless the spouses, parents, children, and other loved ones who suffer greatly from hurt the hurt and betrayal we addicts cause our families.  I ask this through the intercession of you mother, Mary, and all the angels and Saints.  Amen.

Ok, so I know I said that this would be my last post in this series, but I thought about it, and realized it would be a little hard to fit over ten years into a few paragraphs.  So, lucky for you, this is the second to last post in this series!  So where did we leave off?  I had just gotten out of boot camp and had broken up with Brunny.  I was on top of the world.  I was stationed in a musical unit in Washington, DC, I was a US Marine, and  I was a single guy earning a paycheck.  There was a local bar conveniently located  within stumbling distance of the barracks, and I quickly started going out drinking every weekend.  I also started my quest in trying to pick up girls. 

Let me throw in a disclaimer.  I have never been a ladies man.  I could never pick up a girl and just go home and all that stuff.  I tried throughout my addiction, but I was luckily unlucky in racking up a gigantic total.  I did however meet and "dance" with a lot of girls at the bar.  A couple times we would make out on the dance floor and stuff, but I never could "seal the deal."  I'm glad of that now, at the time I was a little frustrated.  I bought myself a computer, and my porn use skyrocketed again.  Now I could sit in my room when we were allowed to go home and look at porn for hours and hours.  I would just sit there with my roommate asleep even until all hours of the night.  That was back when Kazaa and the P2P sites were really taking off.  I would just sit there and download porn to my hard-drive.

After a year and a half or so, I started dating the girl who is now my wife.  She was a good, holy, Catholic woman who I knew wouldn't put up with my ways.  I kept it a secret for a while, even messing around with some girls behind her back.  Eventually my conscience crept up on me, and I broke down and told her what I had been up to.  For whatever reason, she didn't dump me on the spot.  I resolved to stop drinking at the parties that I would go to, and I actually did.  My messing around did not quite follow that direction.  In fact, a week before I proposed to her, we took a trip to North Dakota and I met and had sex with a random girl.  That was on of the few times I actually was able to pull it off. 

Eventually I broke down and told her about it, and she still didn't dump me, even though I was expecting it.  What followed was a painful period where I was trying to make things right and earn her trust again.  I also moved out of the barracks into an apartment with a couple of guys.  I wasn't going to mess around, but I was going to hang onto my porn.  I would get home from work and sit on the computer for hours.  I would lose track of time completely.  I would look at the clock and see it was midnight, and I hadn't even eaten dinner!  I was going to a local Catholic church and even started getting involved with the youth group.  There were two versions of me:  there was the porn addict that I kept hidden and in shame, and there was the guy that I wanted everyone else to see.  I would go to confession and resolve to stop, but I couldn't.

When we got married, my wife got pregnant right away.  We were Catholic, after all.  She was VERY sick.  She had "morning sickness" all day long and well into the sixth month of pregnancy.  I wasn't able to handle it.  I would send her into the bedroom so she could rest, all the while using it as an excuse to look at porn.  Things came to a head when she found my stash on her birthday.  That was a bad day.  We got a filter for the computer, and I resolved again to stop.  I even started going to therapy, which helped for a little while, but didn't change a whole lot.  After my daughter was born,  I still couldn't handle the stress of being a father.  I figured out how to get around the filter, 'cause that's we addicts do, and kept up my porn usage. 

We had a couple more kids, and those years are kind of a blur.  I began to suffer from severe depression, I gained a lot of weight, and I would go off and on the porn.  Every now and then my wife would find out, and things would  be bad.  I hated when she would find it.  I really did.  I hated seeing how devastated she would get.  I wanted to stop, but I couldn't.  I bounced through a couple of therapists and even attended meetings of a twelve step program, but I didn't really start working the steps. 

I could be a real jerk to be around.  I wasn't always interested in my wife, I would have a short temper with my kids, and I was obsessed with sex.  My only real comfort came from looking at porn any way I could.  I made a game out of getting around any filter that was on the computer.  I was INCAPABLE of stopping. 

After eight years and three kids, I decided to get out of the Marine Corps.  We really weren't sure what I was going to do, and even where we were going to live at first, but God really pulled through for us.  When I got out, my wife was pregnant with our fourth child, and I was doing a little better, but still looking at porn when the opportunity presented itself.  I was on medication for depression, which even things out a little.  Even though I was acting out less, I still wasn't healed.

I will leave off here.  I promise that my next post will bring us up to present where I have had to give up my life as I knew to try to save my marriage.  I will tell you how she was about to leave, and how my selfishness and addiction took its toll on our marriage.  Until then, pray for me...

How I Became Addicted to Porn Pt 2

Ahh, high school.  That little microcosm of intensity where every situation is life or death, every friendship is forever, and every couple seems to be an actual physical extension of the other.  Let me just clarify the start of my high school glory days were a little different.  In seventh grade, I left public school to join a private, Catholic,  all boys school run by an order of Spanish priests.  I was there for about a year and a half.  My acting out slowed a little during that time due to the fact that my life was very structured, I wanted to be a priest, and there wasn't much opportunity.  I started my public high school misadventure in the beginning of the second semester of my freshman year.  I didn't  know anybody, I was shy, I hadn't been around girls, especially ones that looked like that!, for a while.  It was a little awkward.

My one link to social living was the band.   I played trumpet, so off I trudged to the band room for class and eventually made some friends.  Things were pretty tame that freshman year.  I had to come out of myself a little.  I was struggling internally over having left the private school where I was going to be a priest and all that.  Eventually my guilt over leaving that school turned into a fine hatred of the religion, especially those darn Catholics.  Enter sophomore year...

I started dating a girl in the band who was a grade ahead of me.  Let's call her Pilchred.  Why?  Because it amuses me to do so.  So I started dating Pilchred and all my hormones flew to that part of my brain where everything focuses with laser-like accuracy.  I wanted to be VERY physical all the time.  She was a bit conservative, much to my dismay, and I had to push the envelope all the time and keep trying to take it one step further.  It was pretty much all we would do when we "hung out."  We never went on a whole lot of dates, even though we were "going out."  I finally convinced her to have sex after dating for over a year.  I was sixteen when I lost my virginity to her, and it was her first time as well.  It wasn't all that romantic.  It was on the floor of the living room of my parents' house.  I didn't care, though.  It was SEX after all.

After about a year and a  half of dating, I got tired of her and dumped her for a freshman that my dad soon forbade me to date anyway.  This was in my junior year.  I roamed around free for a while.  Porn and masturbation had been a daily part of my life all throughout high school.  I soon started dating another girl.  We shall call her Brunhilda, or "Brunny" for short.  I was quickly "in love" with this one.  I was Brunny's first boyfriend, so I had to introduce her to EVERYTHING, which I was more than happy to do.  Our sexual relationship progressed somewhat slowly at first.  I had to cultivate it and make sure she was "comfortable."  This was another very intense relationship that I became obsessed with.  We eventually had sex, and there was someone else who's virginity I had taken.  We dated into my senior year.

During my senior year, Brunny decided she was going to go to Israel for a semester to study.  I was devastated.  She was going to miss my senior prom.  I remember bawling my eyes out the day she left.  It was awful.  After a while, the separation got to me, and I realized I had free reign.  I broke it off with Brunny and started messing around with a couple of other girls.  It wasn't in a "relationship", it was just the age old "friends with benefits."  I liked benefits.  Considering my obsession with sex, I had to find something somewhere.  I would lie, manipulate, and do whatever I could in order to "get some." 

Things were a little awkward when Brunny came back from Israel and I decided that I still was in love and wanted to get back together.  Besides, she was hot.  I spent the rest of the time and the summer after I graduated trying to get back in her good graces.  Eventually,  I won out and we became the couple of the year again.  I was going off to the Marine Corps in September, and with that date approaching, I got more desperate to be with her every second that I could. 

To recap high school, I was in a couple of long-term, emotionally invested relationships in which I was obsessed with sex and tried everything I could in order to get more.  I was masturbating several times a day and checking out porn every chance I could get.  Sure,  I was in band and played lacrosse, but sex was my number one focus.  I was in and out of religion.  I was even in youth group for my senior year.  I went on a couple of religious retreats run by the Franciscan University of Steubenville.  But I was still obsessed with sex and in my relationship with Brunny.  This conflicted with my budding interest in religion.

I will stop here for now.  The next and last post in this series will detail my years in the Marine Corps, my marriage, and how my addiction took its toll on everything.  The next post will get things up to my current situation. 

I offer this post to you, Lord Jesus.

I ask you to bless the girls that I have been with and ask you to help them know you.

You are the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  Please bless all who read this, especially all who are struggling with addiction to sex.