Men, Women, and Sex: Part 4

Dear Jesus,

I praise you for your blessings and your love.  You are my strength and my life.  I ask you for humility and for a generous heart that I may serve others to the best of my ability.  Come into my soul, Jesus, and dwell in and transform it so that it looks like You.  You are the purpose of my life.

Amen.

I refuse to be one of those bloggers who apologizes for not having written in a while, but suffice it to say that life has been a giant roller coaster for the past several weeks, and that I am glad to finally be able to write again.  I am going to continue with this series about the way God actually designed men and women and how what exactly His design for sex really is.  In this post, I will be discussing women and the beautiful way in which God designed them.  Ladies, I realize I am not a woman and cannot truly understand your experience, but know that I am at least running all this by my wife for some kind of validation and editing.  Pay attention, men.  I hope this is something that you can use to learn more about the women in your lives so that you may honor, love, and respect them better.  

If you look at the media through the mindset that "sex sells," it becomes apparent that women's bodies are all over the place in various stages of undress.  We see all kinds of examples of "beauty" and what women should look like, supposedly.  There are lotions and creams to reduce wrinkles, tight clothes to show off a figure, bras that make the breasts appear bigger than they really are, etc.  To an outsider, it might look like women are obsessed with being beautiful.  So what was God thinking when He designed the female body the way He did?  Let's take a look at it...

The female body really is absolutely amazing.  The average woman has higher levels of oxytocin, estrogen, and progesterone than the average man.  Her hips are wider, her voice is higher, she has less body hair, more fat deposits, less upper body muscle, and less testosterone.  Her genitalia are INTERNAL, as opposed to the external penis and testicles of the man.  She lovingly RECEIVES the semen inside of her and CONCEIVES a new life that her entire body works towards nurturing and growing.  This is incredible!  Her entire body becomes devoted to the care of the child.  After the child is born, her breasts fill with milk in order to feed her baby.  Yes men, breasts have a function.  Sorry ladies, I cannot explain the male fascination with breasts, just understand that they have an erotic function to the visually acute male.  We find them beautiful and arousing.  

Let's get back to the active receptivity that is represented by the internality of the female genitalia.  Women are ACTIVELY RECEPTIVE by their nature.  Notice I didn't say passive.  I didn't say that they sit around and wait to make lots of babies.  This active receptivity goes well beyond the functions of childbirth.  This active receptivity is embedded in a woman's brain.  Her corpus callosum, the tissue that connects the two hemispheres of the brain, is bigger than that of the average man.  This makes women more "web thinkers," able to multi-task and focus on more than one thing at a time.  Women are more relationship driven, seeking to connect to other people and finding satisfaction in those relationships.  They actively receive those things into them and give of themselves to the people with whom they have relationships.  According to John Paul II in The Theology of the Body, "she finds herself again in the very fact of giving herself 'through a sincere gift or herself,' when she is accepted in the way in which the Creator wished her to be, that is, 'for her own sake,' through her humanity and femininity."  

Women are more relational than men, so it goes to say that women are more emotionally perceptive and more observant of someone's needs.  This is obvious in childrearing.  I can speak through my own experience that my wife is able to detect when something is wrong with one of our kids, either physically or emotionally, long before I am able to come to the same conclusion.  It also amuses me when she is able to predict something about me or makes a deep observation about me that I had no clue that she even knew!  It used to drive me crazy, but now I am more amused by it than anything else.  Women are much more intuitive in all their relationships in men, and are finely tuned to how everyone is feeling and getting along.  They are peacemakers, for the most part, and seek to make everyone in a group setting feel welcome and understood.    

It doesn't do much good to discuss the amazing workings of the female body without a discussion of beauty.  Back in the good ol' Garden of Eden, God made man and woman in His own likeness.  This means that both men and women are a direct reflection of the nature of God.  Why does a woman strive so hard to be attractive and to feel like she is beautiful?  She is a direct reflection of the nature of God's beauty.  Fitting into the narrative is how men seek this beauty.  They are seeking God, and God put women on Earth to be the representatives of His greater beauty.  No two woman are the same, and every woman is a special facet of the beauty of God.  

It makes sense how this beauty is exploited and twisted.  Just look at the porn industry.  It takes the beauty of woman and distorts it into something evil and ugly.  The porn industry abuses the women who "perform" and presents a twisted and ugly picture of something that is a gift from God.  God gave women a special dignity that is represented in their beauty, their gift of self, and their ability to nurture and help others.  Satan attacks this dignity with vengeance as is obvious when you look around our society.  Satan hates women and motherhood, as reflected in the Bible.  In Genesis 3:15 God says to the serpent, "I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; He will strike at your head, while you strike at his heel."  From the very beginning, the devil has had a special animosity towards women.  He has done everything he can to defile that which God made beautiful.  

In my own limited way, I have discussed the way in which God designed a woman's body.  It is mysterious, beautiful, and wonderful.  I know that you women may not always feel like that every month, but God made you with a special dignity.  You are truly a daughter of the King, made in His image.  You are my sisters, and I work hard to love and respect you more and more each day.  I have abused so many of you through my addiction to pornography, and now I call myself to love and serve you more and more each day.  Never forget who you are, and the respect and honor that you deserve, that is so frequently denied you.  Never settle for less.  You are unique and beautiful, every single one of you.  Wow, writing this has brought me to tears.  Be at peace my sisters.  Be at peace.  

Men, Women, and Sex: Part 3

Dear Jesus,

Inspire in me, your humble and bumbling servant, the words and ideas to write in this blog.  Help me learn to trust you in everything.  Take up residence in my heart and purify it.  Make it your dwelling place.  I ask this through the intercession of Mary, your Holy Mother, and Padre Pio.

Amen

Here we are again, dear readers.  I promise this will be the last post about masculinity.  We will then explore God's design for femininity for a couple posts, and then tie it all together with what sex and sexuality is all about.  As for now, we need to talk about the archetypes found in the masculine character.  If you are just reading this series for the first time, I would suggest reading part one here, and part two here.  My discussion of the archetypes will be brief, but I hope informative.  If you want to read more in depth on these issues, I suggest purchasing and listening to any of Dr Phillip Mango's talks from  OWFC Media.  Also, I highly recommend reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. 

Ok, so this is going to be dealing with the four archetypes found in the masculine spirit.  What I mean by archetype in this context is a an overarching concept or idea that embodies a certain characteristic, like leadership or strength.  God imbued these archetypes in the masculine spirit in His own image.   We were all made in the image of God the Father, and that means that we have His characteristics, both in the masculine and in the feminine.  Our very hearts are made from God's own image, how awesome is that?  Our masculine and feminine traits are rendered in His own image.  He defined the masculine character with four basic archetypes.  I'm sure there are other interpretations, and that's great.  I personally connect well with these. 

The King-  The King is the leader.  He lovingly guides his people and gives his very self to them.  He protects them from harm, both spiritual and physical.  He provides for their well-being.  The leader is a servant of his people, and willingly sacrifices himself for their own good.  Images of William Wallace from Braveheart come to mind, as well as King Solomon.  I'd say Jesus is a good one too.  All men are leaders in one way or another.  Either as a father or at work, men have leadership imprinted in them.

There are two distortions of the leader that render him incapable.  The first one is the man who refuses to lead.  He is unable to make a decision, and passively allows other to walk all over him.  He sits on the sidelines and doesn't take responsibility for anything.  The other distortion of the king is the man who is authoritative, a dictator.  He loves holding power over people and uses it control them and to serve himself.  He can be a micromanaging person who doesn't allow anyone to climb to their full potential in the workplace.

The Warrior-  The warrior goes into battle and fights for his family, his friends, and his faith.  It is the father who is on his knees praying for his family, the man who does not back down from his faith when confronted, the man who fights for his wife's heart daily.  The warrior man is able to defend himself and his family spiritually, psychologically, and physically.  Jesus is the true warrior.  He fought demons and the pharisees in order to call His people.  He even went into Hell in order to gain our salvation.  The warrior is willing to give up his life in order to save those in his care or for his cause.

The two distortions of the warrior are similar to those found in the king.  The first distortion is the man who refuses or is incapable of fighting.  He is passive and does nothing to defend himself or to stop injustices from occurring.  He doesn't want to "offend" anyone, and renders himself ineffective.  He's a "nice guy" and won't be taken seriously.  The other distortion is the warrior gone bad, the cruel, vicious   warlord.  He enjoys cruelty and inflicting pain on others.  The savage warrior can take on many guises, some very subtly.

The Lover-  The term lover refers not only to sexual intimacy, but to a reverence and appreciation of beauty and its preservation.  There are several categories of love, according to the Greeks:

1. Agape- Unconditional and self-sacrificing love 
2. Philia- Brotherly love, the bonds of friendship and loyalty
3. Storge- Affection, between family members
4. Eros- Romantic love, passionate and sensual desire and longing
5. Thelema- desire, as in the desire to do something

The lover archetype is filled with and becomes a channel of the of love of God.  It is this willingness and acceptance to be filled with God's love that fuels and supports all the other archetypes.  The lack of these different types of love is what leads to distortions in all the other archetypes.  How love fuels our whole being is something to which I think I'm going have to devote a whole blog post.

The distortions of the lover archetype can be found in selfishness, objectification of other people, and passivity.  Our love is the main ingredient to who we are as human beings.  When that gets distorted, there is a domino effect that ripples into our entire being.

The Wise Counselor-  You know those movies where the main character is going through some kind of trouble, and there is a wise, old man there to guide him or her through their troubles?  Mr Miyagi from The Karate Kid is the perfect example (if you haven't seen this movie, you have no excuse).  The wise counselor is a mentor and role model for younger generations.  The wise counselor also plays into the King archetype, because a king won't be very effective if he is not a good role model or mentor.  The Wise Counselor uses his wisdom and experience to guide young men and bestow upon them their initiation into manhood.  He is patient and understanding.

This has been a brief introduction to the masculine archetypes.  These three posts have been brief compared to what can be said about this topic.  I hope you will look into the sources I mentioned in the beginning of this post.  Dr Mango and John Eldredge know what they are talking about.  The next posts will discuss femininity in the same manner as the first three posts in this series.  Who we are as men and women is the most important concept because it is crucial to how we maintain families and society.  God has a plan...are we listening?

Getting Current: October 18, 2011

Dear Jesus,

I need your help.  I feel dead inside, trapped in a haze of anger and resentment.  Please help me turn to you.  You are the only one who can restore me to sanity.  You are the only one who can redeem me and clear the blackness from my soul.  As you said to the Father, I say to you now: "into your hands I commend my spirit."

Amen

Hello again.  I thought I would take a break from my Men, Women, and Sex series to write an update on how things are going with me personally.  I have to tell you, it's been tough.  Last week, I lost eleven days of sobriety.  Those eleven days were very nice.  I was praying the Rosary a couple times a day, not because I felt I had to, but because I wanted to.  I was very peaceful inside and doing my best to walk with Jesus and count on Him for my strength.  It all came crashing down when I had an opportunity to look at porn and I couldn't stop.  The life of an addict...

I have been "seeing" a therapist over the phone and I have had some very good sessions.  These sessions have been painful but fruitful.  They have involved going back into my childhood and trying to remember specific incidences that may have caused shame or embarassment.  It is amazing what has been uncovered.  You see, my parents weren't the greatest at being there to explain things, and when they did, it was awkward and left me feeling quite exposed and embarassed.  They never abused me or anything like that, they just weren't able to gain my confidence and have a meaningful conversation.

These childhood events can imprint themselves onto a child, and these imprints shape the way he may view things, handle situations, or even what turns him on sexually.  As an example, and it is embarassing to admit this, but here is one of those memories that I explored with my therapist.  When I was less than ten years old I was at a swimming party with a bunch of friends.  There were children my age there and we were all swimming and having fun.  I was in the pool and I went over to the side.  It was at that point that I saw a little girl peeing in the grass.  I was shocked and excited, as I had never seen anything like that.  My therapist pointed out that I was unable to go to my father and tell him about it.  He never was able, couldn't have been able to point out that, yeah, that's how girls pee.  Boys pee from their penis and girls from a part in their vagina.  That's how God made us, and it's good!

Going back to imprinting, that made an impression on me.  I internalized it, and that imprint has manifested in my later acting out.  See how it works?  It was amazing to me to find out how this works.  When my parents tried to talk to me about sex, it was always awkward and made me withdraw and try to avoid future conversations with them.  I remember my dad telling me as a teenager, "You know what you're not supposed to see and touch."  Ummm.....thanks, I think.  Too late for that when he told me.  I had already seen and touched a lot.  As a boy he had never told me about why I might get an erection and that it's ok.  God made us that way.  Yes it feels good, and our sexuality helps us be strong, do sports, reach out to other people.  It's ok to see a pretty girl and be moved or aroused by her beauty.  I never heard those things as a child.

I also figured out why I withdraw into myself so much when I am stressed out or in a bad mood.  I learned that behavior when I was young.  I learned it because I was awkward talking to my parents about sex, and I withdrew from them in order to avoid feeling ashamed and embarassed.  In a lot of ways, I was left to figure things out for myself.  Sex became something wrong and shameful in my eyes, but still exciting.  I grew very sneaky and aloof as a teenager and went behind my parents' backs in order to do what I wanted to do.

Since I lost my sobriety of eleven days, things have been tough.  I feel terrible about how I have acted  at home.  I have been very moody and haven't been very helpful around the house.  My poor wife, who hasn't been feeling well with her pregnancy, has had to bear the brunt of it.  I have gotten mired down in the running narrative in my head, "You're just an addict, you're a piece of !#$%, you are a failure, you can't take care of your family."  Those are the things we addicts tell ourselves on a daily basis.   My therapist sometimes pretends to be the voices and I have to argue back with them and tell them to leave.  It is helpful and an interesting approach. 

What I really want to do is get to confession and try to keep going.  I find it hard to get back on track with sobriety until I am able to go to confession.  I get totally cleaned off and feel like I am back in touch with Jesus.  Before confession, I feel like I have a big, dark cloud hanging over me. 

So that's where I am right now.  Over the past couple days, I have felt pretty dark and hopeless.  I have felt like a total failure, wallowing in self pity and selfishness.  I am going to stand back up, brush off the dust and try to keep going.  If Jesus can fall a few times carrying His cross and get back up, I can sure get up and keep carrying my cross.  Please pray for me.  I need it.

Men, Women, and Sex: Part 2

Dear Jesus,

I am but an unworthy servant.  On my own, I have lived in sin and despair.  Please take my life and my soul.  Purify it and make it Yours.  I cannot stand on my own two feet.  Help me to rely solely on You for my strength and my peace.  I ask this through the intercession of Padre Pio, and your Holy Mother.  Amen

Howdy folks!  Here's the second installment of this series.  I must warn you, it is going to be a many part series.  I think this topic is very serious and needs to be explored.  If you haven't read part one, I highly recommend it.  You can check it out here.  When it comes to exploring femininity, I am probably going to have my wife guest-blog on the issue, being that she is a woman and all.  This post is going to focus on the basic fears of men and also the four archetypes that derive from the masculine spirit that God designed.  I hope this is informative.  You may notice that I am not using references for all of this.  I am basing this on many talks I have heard from Dr. Phillip Mango, a psychotherapist from New York City and also the book "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge.  I highly recommend this book.  It speaks directly to the masculine heart.

We have established how men are built, both on the outside and the wiring in their brains.  We are now going to look more at a man's heart.  As a man's body is built for strength and defending his family and his beliefs, so is a man's spirit imbued with the desire to display a moral strength in the form of courage and good character.  To men, character is very important.  This plays directly into a man's greatest fear: failure.

To a man, failure in his work, his ability to provide for his family, and his masculinity is his primal fear.  A male addict feels like a comlete failure as he is unable to control himself and has surrendered to an outside force.  The addict believes the lies that are played over and over in his head about his own inadequacy.  This fear of failure can immobilize a man at worst, or impel him to continue his fight at best.  Women listen up here:  men need affirmation of their own masculinity from YOU.  A spouse or partner who criticizes her man and constantly blames him only drives him away into himself and away from her.  This is very important. 

The man who calls his wife from work to tell her he has been thinking about her beauty, her eyes, or her wonderful love will abide in her heart.  Men don't care about hearing that.  The woman who looks at her man and tells him how she admires his CHARACTER, his self-sacrifice, his humility, will abide in his heart and give him the courage and strength to carry on.

The second great fear of men is being found out to be a fraud.  That he doesn't actually have what it takes to be a man.  Many men go their whole lives without having this question answered.  Do I have what it takes?  The primary person in a man's life who can answer this question and lead a boy into the realm of men is his FATHER.  Masculinity can only be bestowed by other men.  I'm sorry, but a woman, a mother, cannot make her boy a man.  A boy must turn from his mother over time and be taken up by his father and be initiated into manhood.  This answer to this question is critical to a boy's development.  When father is absent, distant, abusive, or uninvolved, it leaves this boy to wander through life finding the answer to this question.

It is an absolute tragedy that so many boys are injured early on in life by not having this question answered, and then they carry this wound with them throughout their entire lives.  Some become workaholics, trying on a deep level to please their fathers.  Others try to find the answer to this question in women and may have many sexual conquests, but remain feeling empty inside.  Many lack the self-confidence that they need and wander through life feeling insecure and unable to really commit to anything.  To me, this is very sad.  We have a crisis in authentic masculinity that is crippling this society.

The boys who grow into men with these wounds then become fathers themselves and are unable to pass down a distinct sense of masculinity to their sons because they do not have it.  You cannot give something that you do not have yourself.  This is the cycle that is created that passes down from generation to generation.  I cannot convey to you, dear reader, the sense of mourning I feel for this situation and the poor boys who grow up without a loving father.  I have my own "father wounds" and I can identify with the sense of masculinity lost.  It is a very deep wound that affects a man's entire being.

So what are the basic needs of men?  A man needs a spouse or girlfriend who does not criticize or nag, but who lovingly supports him.  That doesn't mean that they shouldn't discuss problem areas in a relationship or what not, but criticizing and nagging drive him away.  A man needs a willing sexual partner who will give herself to him as he gives himself to her in a loving sexual relationship.  I am an advocate for sex in the confines of marriage, and I will get into that at a later time.  Be careful to respect your wives, men.  It is possible to use your wife for your own gratification, rendering primarily masturbatory a supposed act of mutual self-donation.  Rather, give yourselves to her and invite her into your masculinity and your whole person and share your love and strength.  We will talk more of this when we get to the "sex" part of  this series. 

The nature of masculinity is that of strength, leadership, love, and a strong character.  A family will thrive when a man devotes himself to his wife and his children, giving of himself in humility and self-sacrifice.  Those children, both the boys and the girls, will grow up with a secure sense of themselves, of God, and of their own abilities and limitations.  The father plays a central role in the development of his children and can only do so when he is strongly rooted in his own masculinity, as designed by God.

I know I said that I would get into the four archetypes of the masculine spirit, but this has gone on long enough, I think.  I will address that issue in the next post.  I welcome your comments and feedback on all of the posts of this blog.  I write for my own recovery and also to share something of myself with all of you.  May God bless you and keep you, if you let Him. 

Men, Women, and Sex: Part 1

Dear Jesus,

I know that I have been made in the image of the Father, and that He called me "Good."  Help me to conform my life and my will to the Father's.  Help me to be the man that He created me to be.  Help me to live in your Truth.  I ask this through the intercession of Padre Pio, your humble servant.

Amen.

Hello again, dear reader.  This next series of posts will concentrate on how God designed us as men and women.  I will do my best not to parrot how society defines masculinity and femininity, but how God actually made us.  After we establish God's unique design for men and women, we will talk about what His ideas are about our sexuality.  This post will concentrate on masculinity.  We will discuss how God made men, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I think it's important to hear this message, since there are so many books and talks that tell men how they should be.  We are going to talk about how men actually are.  So pay attention gentlemen and ladies.  You women out there might actually learn a thing or two about those little things about the men in your lives that drive you CRAZY! Hehehe...

In the Book of Genesis, God made the entire world.  He looked at it and said it is good.  Coming from God, that means a lot.  When He was done with making the world, He made a man and a woman.  He called them VERY good.  That means all the nuances and idiosyncrasies of men and women are GOOD.  Men, that means you.  You are made in the image of God, and you are GOOD.  Your masculinity that is inherent to your person hood is a wonderful, beautiful thing.

Let's take a look at the male body.  Man has been given a strong musculature with high levels of upper body strength.  Testosterone courses through his blood, which is the source of his strength, his sexuality, his drive, and his passion.  His genitals are exterior.  The penis and testicles are external.  The penis gets hard and goes into the vagina and delivers the semen, which creates life.  This externality is significant in that men are built to be actively initiative.  They initiate loving sex with their wives and create life, they take dangerous risks to explore and innovate, they initiate their sons into the realm of men, and they initiate and lead their families with their drive and passion.

Men historically have been the providers for their families.  They have worked and endured long, hard conditions in order to put food on the table.  This state of active initiation has led to some of the greatest discoveries and inventions in history.  The testosterone that men have is the source of their aggression and strength.  Has it led to terrible wars and have men strayed from their God-given path?  Absolutely.  That is the nature of sin, not God's initial design for men.  God made men this way and called it good.  Men are supposed to take risks, to compete aggressively with each other, and be there to physically protect their families from danger.

So how are men wired neurologically?  I'm sure many women would tell you they're not.  Let 's start with the fact that men are brain damaged.  Yep.  It's true.  A tissue called the corpus collosum connects the two hemispheres of the brain.  This facilitates communication between the two hemispheres.  The corpus collosum of men is smaller than that of women.  Sorry guys.  Men are generally right brain thinkers.  Many women have complained about their husband's, boyfriend's, and son's ability to focus so dramatically on something that they tune everything else out.  Sorry, ladies, there's nothing you can do about it.  It's just the way we men are made.  It's actually a good thing.  It allows us to concentrate on our work and to focus narrowly on what we are doing.

We men also generally work better with lists and bullet points.  That is how our brains are wired.  Speaking for myself, I can usually focus on one or maybe two tasks at a time.  Sometimes when I am concentrating on something and my wife talks to me, I don't even hear her.  She occasionally says random things just to mess with me.  It's pretty funny.  That is also why our approach to cleaning house and taking care of the kids is different.  I'm not as good at it as my wife.  Go ahead, call me a sexist.  There is way too much multi-tasking going on for me.  I can only do one or two things at a time.

Women may also complain that all men think about is sex.  Well ladies, you're right.  According to Dr. Phillip Mango, a psychotherapist in New York City, men have a sexual thought or urge about every seven minutes.  We also get erections throughout the day.  Does this mean that we are dirty or disgusting?  NO!!!  God did that!  He said it is good!  He made us men the we are and declared it good.  Don't be ashamed of who you are, my brothers.  Don't be ashamed of your masculinity in a culture that tears it down.  God made you in His image.

Now, just to be clear, I am not advocating our sinful nature.  The sinful part of masculinity is devastating to families and society.  It leads to abandoned families, crime and murders, sexual predators, and the breakdown of male virtue as a whole.  This is not according to God's design for masculinity and is a distortion of the characteristics I have been discussing.  That is what satan does.  He takes an already existing truth and distorts it ever so slightly so that it is hollow and unfulfilling.

The last characteristic of masculinity I want to discuss is our desire for beauty.  Men, how many times have you seen an absolutely beautiful woman and been completely taken with her to the point that you trip over a curb or drive off the side of the road?  Many a teenage guy has been reduced to a babbling idiot when trying to talk to a beautiful woman.  Let's be clear: that is NOT lust!  It is how we are made.  We desire beauty.  We are visually oriented and what we see through our eyes makes a lasting impression on us.  It is not a sin or inherently wrong for a guy to see a beautiful woman and be moved by her beauty.  The problem arises when that turns into lust, and the woman becomes objectified in the man's mind or actions. 

Men may also experience beauty in nature.  God did not build men to be inside, sitting at a desk all day.  We seek adventure and a deeper meaning.  Nothing can speak better to a man's heart than when he is standing on top of a mountain overlooking the wilderness.  God put our desire for beauty into our souls.  For that desire for beauty is really a desire for God, who is the Source of all beauty.  He lets us men experience it through our eyes and souls when we behold His creation, either in the beauty of women or in nature.  This is how God made us.  This is how we are built.  As a married man, I still acknowledge when a woman is pretty.  As a sex addict, I have to be careful not to lust and look at her through a pornographic point of view.  That is our obligation as men.  Not to turn from beauty and our natural desires, but to not lust, and keep ourselves in line with God's intent.

That is enough for now.  I hope you have enjoyed reading this.  My next post will discuss the needs and fears of men, and the four archetypes of masculinity.

Getting Current: October 5, 2011

Dear Jesus,

I am not sure of the path I am being led down.  Give me the grace to trust in you so that I may follow your will.  You are the only one who can keep me sand throughout all of this.  Through the intercession of Padre Pio, keep me sober and in a state of grace.

Amen

So I guess the theme of the past couple weeks has been humility.  Right now my family has very little money, not even enough to put gas in our car, and we were short on the rent this month.  If it weren't for a kind and generous friend of ours, helping us put gas in our car; I don't know where we would be.  All in all, it's pretty stressful around here.

Let me back up.  I was scheduled to go to an in-patient facility in Pennsylvania on Oct 4.  I may have mentioned it in my last "Getting Current" update.  There was a hefty price tag, $14,700.00.  Naturally, I didn't have that kind of money just sitting around, and the money tree crop was dismal this year.  There were a couple of financing options that were available.  Unfortunately, due to the fact that I declared bankruptcy a couple years ago, I wasn't eligible.  My wife doesn't have enough credit history to take out that kind of credit line, so we were stuck there as well.

They suggested that we find someone to apply for  the initial line of credit, like a family member or something.  Well, knowing that is a huge undertaking, we asked my sister and my parents to help us with this.  Both said no.  I don't blame them.  I'm not mad at them.  That same amazing friend who has been helping us with gas wanted to help too, but they couldn't risk having that much debt.  Eventually, my wife applied through a different lending company with that same friend applying as a cosponsor.  Unfortunately, that was denied as well due to some stuff that came up in the credit check.

It was quite a dark day when I realized that I would not be going to the clinic.  I was really looking forward to it.  I had prayed, I had sacrificed, and I had tried to follow God's will, but this wasn't going to happen.  I see now that I had put a lot of eggs in that basket and tried to make God's will what it was that I wanted to happen.

On another note, I knew that our rent was going to be short because our account was so far negative that my disability money from the military wouldn't cover the rent.  I thought I would try to sell my trumpet and guitar in order to cover it.  That was a dead end pursuit as well.  The local pawnshops and music stores were not interested in my esteemed merchandise.  I got really mad at God that morning.  I felt like He had abandoned me and that He wasn't going to take care of my family after all.

I have had a deepening realization that all of this drama, all of these circumstances, and even the kindness of at least one person rushing to help are a direct result of my actions.  I have sole responsibility for the state my family is in right now.  If it weren't for my addiction and all the pain and hurt I have caused, none of this would be happening.  Both my mom and my mother-in-law have told my wife that they wouldn't blame her for leaving me.  My mother-in-law told my wife recently that this isn't the life she had wanted for my life.  It hurts to hear that, but how can I disagree?

My wife's sister recently told me off through a colorful barrage of words via text message.  I was supposed to play trumpet at her friend's wedding, and I informed her that I wasn't going to be able because I had given up music for the time being and that I might also be going away during the time of the wedding.  That didn't sit well with dear old sister-in-law and she unloaded on me  She told me that I am the most selfish person she has ever  met.  It was hurtful to hear all that, but how can I disagree?  How can I tell her she is wrong?  I can't...

I was still acting out when all of this was taking place.  Of course I was, I am an addict.  The one good piece of news is that I recently went to a Mass celebrated by a priest that knew Padre Pio of Pietrelcina.  If you don't know Padre Pio, you should check him out.  He is awesome!  We received a blessing with the glove he wore that covered the stigmata, the wounds of Christ, which he carried for fifty years of his life.  I have asked him to take me as his spiritual son.  Since then I have felt a peace and a hope that I didn't know before.

I finally came to a realization through all of these trials that I really DO want to get better.  I am going to be working closely with a friend from my twelve-step meeting that I attend.  We will go through the steps together and do the hard work that comes with working the steps.  It is not easy.  It requires you to go down deep inside yourself and face your inner demons.  I am not afraid.  Through the power of Christ and the intercession of Padre Pio, I will not be alone.  As of this writing, I have five days of sobriety.  I am thankful for this.

Please pray for me, dear reader.  I want to recover and follow God's will.  I want to be a man of God, a good husband and father, and someone who cares for others.  I have been none of those things so far.  It is only through the grace of God that I can do anything.

Your Brain On Porn: The Science Behind The Addiction Part 3

Jesus,

I ask you to use me as your instrument to spread the truth about pornography and how it destroys people, families, marriages, and our society.  I know only a little, please give me the words to convey this evil to your sons and daughters who read this blog.  I ask this through the intercession of you Holy Mother, Mary.

Amen

Allright, folks, it's time for the last part in this series.  In the first post, I talked about the funnel, and how the addict moves through the funnel while viewing pornography.  In the second post, I talked about how the addict's brain builds very strong mental models through the use of the pornography, which leads to a compulsion.  I also mentioned how the personality of the addict changes over time into something much different than the "true" self.  In this post, I'm going to attempt to tie it together and explain how pornography is affecting our society as a whole and how it influences those who either commit sex crimes, or begin doing so.  I will be writing my opinion on many of these issues and drawing from my own experiences as an addict.  No, I have never actually committed a crime, but I am an addict, nonetheless, and if my wife hadn't stuck by my side, I cringe to think where I could have gone.  

I think it helps to mention at the onset of this post that this addiction, and most others, are a manifestation of a deeper spiritual and psychological problem.  Think of the acting out of the addiction as a symptom of a disease that is much more personal.  The addiction is a learned behavior that develops over many years of repetition. To put it simply, acting out is a form of self-medication, an escape.  After therapy with several different therapists, I can say that early on in an addict's life, he learns to escape by withdrawing into pornography. The circumstances he is trying to escape may be physical or emotional abuse, distant parents, low self-esteem, or any number of things.  This can happen early on in life or later on, but frequently, it starts pre-adolescence.  The addict seeks to escape from those negative feelings and harsh realities in an unhealthy way.  This is his release, his time to feel good and experience release from tension.  On another note, many people who are sexually abused become sex addicts as well.  There are many women and men out there who can relate to that.  It is a tragedy.

I have tried to find research about pornography and sex crimes and I was surprised to find articles that claim that hard pornography, including child pornography, actually decrease the number of rapes and child abuse.  I think this is absolutely absurd.  In this article, the author minimizes inmates claims of pornography use leading them to committing crime as shifting the blame and not taking responsibility.  Don't you, my esteemed reader, think for a second that I do not think sex offenders should be held accountable for their actions.  But we also have to take a hard look at what the line of thinking and motivation is for committing those actions really is.  People don't just randomly come to the conclusion one day that they are going to go out and commit a heinous crime.  There has to be a certain degree of impaired thinking and values that accompany such acts.  One of the most infamous sex offenders is Ted Bundy.  He had some serious things to say about how pornography contributed to his acting out.  You can read his interview here.

We have discussed how the long term use of pornography effects an individual.  His entire personal belief system is altered and his personality is changed.  Talk to any spouse of a sex addict, and try to tell her that her husband isn't a completely different person, and not for the better, either.  A sex/porn addict will be much more irritable, make increasingly harsh demands of his spouse in the bedroom, and continue to seek more graphic depictions of sexual acts.  Sometimes, porn gets boring on its own.  The addict then seeks to recreate some of the things he has been viewing.  Sometimes the addict starts seeking prostitutes, massage parlors, and having one night stands.  

If an addict has been watching porn that depicts "actresses and actors" who appear younger than the age of eighteen, then how do you suppose that addict's brain is going to be wired?  He is going to seek sexual encounters with underage teenagers.  That certainly leads to problems with the law.  As we have already noted, the images in pornography are seared into the addict's brain.  Sexual pleasure and release are associated with those images.  Inevitably, as pornography becomes more "boring", the addict is then going to seek out that which his brain is already wired.  Does anybody else see this as a problem?  

Pornography use is quite prolific in the United States today.  To save room on this blog, you can find some of those stats here, here, and also this one , which is EXCELLENT.  The one stat I find the most disturbing is that the largest consumer of pornography is the 12-17 Age Group!!!  That is crazy!  What do you think is happening to their ability to have real relationships, their ability to develop a healthy sexuality, and to their brain structure?  Nothing good, I guarantee it.  How is this going to affect society?  I'll leave you to draw your own conclusion based on all that has been said regarding this issue so far.  

Based on my own experience as a porn/sex addict and my own research, I think this is a world-wide epidemic that is destroying the inner workings of our sexuality and it's true beauty.  This destruction prevents us from having a satisfied relationship, not only sexually, but relationships in general, it prevents us from seeing other people outside of the pornographic view, and it spreads a cheap, thrill based view on sex and sexuality that leaves us unfulfilled, overall.  There are millions and millions of people who struggle with this addiction or that have suffered through someone else's addiction.  Pornography is the basis for ruined lives and failed marriages.  Men and women all over the US and the world have become slaves to this thing that is supposed to make us "free."  This thing that is supposed to be just a "harmless pastime."  

Resources for You

Healing Hearts and Mending Minds by Mark Kastleman:  This book is an excellent source for defining the brain science behind internet porn, but also combating the dominant mental models it creates.

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes:  This book offers great insight into the nature of addiction and the process that addicts go through.  He offers great insight based on his many years of research and experience.

http://candeohealthysexuality.com/  This is an online program for healing from sexual addiction developed by Mark Kastleman.  It works to overcome the pornographic mental models in the brain and develop new, healthy ones.  

http://www.shelleylubben.com/  Shelley Lubben is a former porn actress who has started the Pink Cross Foundation and now speaks out against the porn industry.  She has a powerful story which she uses to help other porn actors and actresses leave the industry and find new lives.  

http://www.thekingsmen.us/ This is a great men's group that protests outside porn shops in Pennsylvania.  They have also started many different men's groups and runs a great retreat called Into The Wild.  

I hope this series has been helpful to you.  I think it is very important to understand the nature of addiction and how it effects the addict and those around him.  This isn't just a case of some "perverts" who can't control themselves and are causing problems for an otherwise blameless society.  This is something that has woven itself deep into the fabric of our society and is destroying us from the inside out.  In subsequent posts, I will talk about God's true plan for sexuality and how He actually made us as men and women and the called it GOOD.  God bless you.