Lord Jesus, I am completely and totally powerless over my addiction. There is nothing I can do on my own that can overcome it. I turn my life over to you. Guard it and defend it as your own. I will not fight, but rather surrender completely to you. I humble myself before you and anyone who reads this post. Please bless everyone who comes across this blog. Help the person who is suffering from this devastating addiction. Also, please bless the spouses, parents, children, and other loved ones who suffer greatly from hurt the hurt and betrayal we addicts cause our families. I ask this through the intercession of you mother, Mary, and all the angels and Saints. Amen.
Ok, so I know I said that this would be my last post in this series, but I thought about it, and realized it would be a little hard to fit over ten years into a few paragraphs. So, lucky for you, this is the second to last post in this series! So where did we leave off? I had just gotten out of boot camp and had broken up with Brunny. I was on top of the world. I was stationed in a musical unit in Washington, DC, I was a US Marine, and I was a single guy earning a paycheck. There was a local bar conveniently located within stumbling distance of the barracks, and I quickly started going out drinking every weekend. I also started my quest in trying to pick up girls.
Let me throw in a disclaimer. I have never been a ladies man. I could never pick up a girl and just go home and all that stuff. I tried throughout my addiction, but I was luckily unlucky in racking up a gigantic total. I did however meet and "dance" with a lot of girls at the bar. A couple times we would make out on the dance floor and stuff, but I never could "seal the deal." I'm glad of that now, at the time I was a little frustrated. I bought myself a computer, and my porn use skyrocketed again. Now I could sit in my room when we were allowed to go home and look at porn for hours and hours. I would just sit there with my roommate asleep even until all hours of the night. That was back when Kazaa and the P2P sites were really taking off. I would just sit there and download porn to my hard-drive.
After a year and a half or so, I started dating the girl who is now my wife. She was a good, holy, Catholic woman who I knew wouldn't put up with my ways. I kept it a secret for a while, even messing around with some girls behind her back. Eventually my conscience crept up on me, and I broke down and told her what I had been up to. For whatever reason, she didn't dump me on the spot. I resolved to stop drinking at the parties that I would go to, and I actually did. My messing around did not quite follow that direction. In fact, a week before I proposed to her, we took a trip to North Dakota and I met and had sex with a random girl. That was on of the few times I actually was able to pull it off.
Eventually I broke down and told her about it, and she still didn't dump me, even though I was expecting it. What followed was a painful period where I was trying to make things right and earn her trust again. I also moved out of the barracks into an apartment with a couple of guys. I wasn't going to mess around, but I was going to hang onto my porn. I would get home from work and sit on the computer for hours. I would lose track of time completely. I would look at the clock and see it was midnight, and I hadn't even eaten dinner! I was going to a local Catholic church and even started getting involved with the youth group. There were two versions of me: there was the porn addict that I kept hidden and in shame, and there was the guy that I wanted everyone else to see. I would go to confession and resolve to stop, but I couldn't.
When we got married, my wife got pregnant right away. We were Catholic, after all. She was VERY sick. She had "morning sickness" all day long and well into the sixth month of pregnancy. I wasn't able to handle it. I would send her into the bedroom so she could rest, all the while using it as an excuse to look at porn. Things came to a head when she found my stash on her birthday. That was a bad day. We got a filter for the computer, and I resolved again to stop. I even started going to therapy, which helped for a little while, but didn't change a whole lot. After my daughter was born, I still couldn't handle the stress of being a father. I figured out how to get around the filter, 'cause that's we addicts do, and kept up my porn usage.
We had a couple more kids, and those years are kind of a blur. I began to suffer from severe depression, I gained a lot of weight, and I would go off and on the porn. Every now and then my wife would find out, and things would be bad. I hated when she would find it. I really did. I hated seeing how devastated she would get. I wanted to stop, but I couldn't. I bounced through a couple of therapists and even attended meetings of a twelve step program, but I didn't really start working the steps.
I could be a real jerk to be around. I wasn't always interested in my wife, I would have a short temper with my kids, and I was obsessed with sex. My only real comfort came from looking at porn any way I could. I made a game out of getting around any filter that was on the computer. I was INCAPABLE of stopping.
After eight years and three kids, I decided to get out of the Marine Corps. We really weren't sure what I was going to do, and even where we were going to live at first, but God really pulled through for us. When I got out, my wife was pregnant with our fourth child, and I was doing a little better, but still looking at porn when the opportunity presented itself. I was on medication for depression, which even things out a little. Even though I was acting out less, I still wasn't healed.
I will leave off here. I promise that my next post will bring us up to present where I have had to give up my life as I knew to try to save my marriage. I will tell you how she was about to leave, and how my selfishness and addiction took its toll on our marriage. Until then, pray for me...
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