Where Do I Go From Here?

Dear Jesus, right now I feel empty, lonely, and hopeless.  I don't know if I actually can beat this affliction.  I cry to you, O my God, I am at the end of my nonexistent strength.  I don't know what you want, I don't know what to do.  I feel the demon rising inside of me, taunting and tempting me.  I can't fight it, I can't beat it, I can't do a thing against it.  Help me, O Lord, to give myself to you, completely and utterly.  My faith is so weak.  Please have patience with this sinner.  Win the battles I am not equipped to even enter.

Amen

Yeah, I know I said that I was going to write a post about the science of addiction and all that, but I need to talk about some other things that are on my heart at this time.  Right now, I am absolutely helpless.  I am not returning to school, which weighs heavily on my heart, I left my job, and I STILL want to look at porn.  I can feel it inside of me, like a darkness, trying to get out.  It has been my comfort, my drug, my celebration, my self-medication.  I am not going to say that I have been completely sober since the incident where my wife left for a night with the children.  

I know how it looks.  I can see some people saying, "Dude, your wife is about to leave if you keep this up, why are you even thinking about it?"  You're right.  There is a certain level of insanity to an addiction.  You end up acting against all sense, judgement, and prudence in order to get the "fix" you are looking for.  I feel empty, like God isn't listening.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  I find it hard to pray to Him right now.  I still believe in Him, I just sometimes have a hard time approaching Him.  

This dark part of me really does want me to go to my wife and tell her that I really can't do it, that she needs to leave.  It tells me that it would be easier, and I wouldn't have to face all these inner demons that are tearing me up inside.  I feel completely broken, a pressure cooker about to explode.  I am helpless, Lord, be my strength!

I do attend weekly meetings of a twelve step group for sex addicts, and I have a sponsor that I talk to regularly.  There is also a psychotherapist who offered to give me counseling for free over the phone.  Is it really worth it?  Is there hope?  Can I get past this and live a life where I am free, passionate, a good husband and father, and close to God?  I don't know.  I guess this is where true Faith comes in to play.  What I must do now is COMPLETELY give everything over to God, again and again, and let Him mold me in His image, and show me the way to support my family.  

As an addict, I am not in control of anything.  I have been a slave to pornography for most of my life.  It has nearly destroyed my marriage, and skewed the way I look at everything.  I am tired of this.  I want to be done with it, but I am too weak to even put up a fight.  God, be my strength!  Come into my life and give me a reprieve of my addiction.  I cannot do this anymore.  My inner insanity will destroy everything I have and lead me to a life of despair and destruction.  

These are the things that we addicts experience.  We are completely controlled by our obsessions and powerless over them.  The addiction progresses more and more into depravity and leads us into committing grave acts.  Please don't think that I am excusing this behavior.  It is evil.  But when an addiction progresses to a certain point, the addict can become a serious danger to society, despite whatever he or she may do to stop the addiction.  We are responsible for our actions, but the addict who commits a heinous act is not even in control of himself anymore.  Luckily, my addiction never ventured into the realm of seeking the "real thing."  I never went to prostitutes or sexually molested anybody.  Thank God.  But there are those who do, and their victims suffer greatly due to the actions of somebody who is completely powerless.

That is where I am right now.  I call out to God for strength.  I cannot do anything for myself because I am helpless.  I am a small child reaching out to his Father for a piggyback ride.  Lord, I am yours...