Your Brain On Porn: The Science Behind the Compulsion Part 1

Lord Jesus, I ask you to guide me as I write the truth of an affliction that hurts millions of people.  Please bless those who read this.  Help those who are struggling with an addiction to sex or pornography, that they may find help and peace in you. 
Amen

I will be the first to admit that I am not a scientist.  I know I do not have the brains or the patience to handle all the research and experiments.  That is why I am going to refer to other people who have taken the time and energy to research sex addiction and how it effects the brain.  I will also draw upon my own personal experiences to connect reality with theory.  This post will focus primarily on the physical and psychological effects that porn and sex addiction have on the brain.  There is a substantive spiritual dimension to the nature of addiction as well that I will not address here.  I will discuss the spiritual dimension in a subsequent post.

The first aspect of addiction that must be discussed is the addiction cycle itself.  Nobody starts off with the intentions of becoming a serial exhibitionist, or starts looking at extreme fetishes, or has compulsive sex with prostitutes.  Those behaviors are not built within our natural tendencies.  When someone is acting out in an uncontrollable manner, it is usually the manifestation of an addiction that has progressed over some period of time.  According to Patrick Carnes (2001), The addiction process "begins with the delusional thought processes that are rooted in the addict's belief system" (p 15).  Everybody has a core belief system about themselves that affects how they perceive reality (Carnes 2001).  This belief system is what guides us in our every day lives.  The addict has a belief system that is greatly impaired.  I can attest to the fact that addicts feel unworthy, alone, isolated, and beyond assistance.  The addict's only consolation is the need for sex and sexual release.  Sex becomes a consolation, a reward, a pastime that the addict turns to in order to vent feelings of frustration, loneliness, and despair.

The cycle of addiction usually starts early on, with the addict feeling isolated from friends and family.  A very common first sexual experience is with pornography.  Many an addict can relate the first time he first was exposed to pornography:  dad's Playboy, late night cable, a porn video left in a player.  That first glimpse is a huge rush.  It produces feelings of excitement and arousal.  Finally, here is something that can  make the addict feel better.  It's his own private pleasure.  Couple that with masturbation, and something very powerful is formed.  A cycle is created where the addict seeks to escape with increasing frequency into that realm of fantasy.  He starts to count down the minutes until he can get the next "fix."

The first time I saw pornography was in sixth grade.  A friend of mine, who was an excellent artist, copied some pictures out of his dad's Playboy and handed them out to people.  I was electrified.  Wow, a naked woman!  I stashed those pictures away and would look at them all the time.  I also started to try to find other pictures of naked women.  I looked in underwear ads, friends houses, everywhere.  I was fascinated and needed to see more.  You can see more of my early story in How I Became Addicted to Porn Pt 1.

So what is going on here?  Why is pornography so powerful?  According to Mark Kastleman (2005), "Pornography is powerful because it takes advantage of and taps into mental models with powerful emotional, biological and chemical connections throughout the brain and the rest of the body (p 18).  Our sexuality is something that is hardwired into all of us.  It is triggered at the onset of puberty and grows and evolves into something that allows us to have a close relationship with our spouse as well as to reproduce.  We have in each of us powerful feelings, emotions, and hormones that direct our sexuality.  After this consideration, it is no wonder that pornography and sex addiction are so powerful and seemingly unbeatable.

There is a very specific process we experience as we experience sexual arousal and ultimately, climax.  It is sometimes referred to as a "narrowing process", in which powerful hormones are released in our body that enable us to "tune out" practically everything around us.  Mark Kastleman refers to it as a funnel.  Think of a funnel with a wide top, a very narrow middle, and another wide end at the bottom.  It looks like an hourglass.  This is a diagram that represents that narrowing process as we move through sexual arousal.

The top of this funnel represents a wide perspective.  The addict is aware of everything around him, and is functioning normally.  The addict then moves into what Patrick Carnes calls preoccupation, where the addict is overcome with thoughts of sex.   This causes the addict to search, sometimes wildly, for sexual stimulation Carnes (2001).  When the addict begins to receive that sexual stimulation, commonly through use of pornography, he moves into the narrow part of the funnel.  This sexual stimulation can be attained through prostitutes, stalking, strip clubs, public indecency, etc.  He then moves into "addict time", where the addict is unaware of everything around him, including the passage of time Kastleman (2005).  I can remember looking at porn for hours on end, and after "coming to", realizing it was after midnight, and I had been there for six or more hours.

The narrowing process releases powerful chemicals in the brain such as Dopamine, Norepinephrine, Testosterone, Oxytocin, Vasopressin, and Serotonin.  These chemicals aid the brain in being able to focus narrowly, to experience greater pleasure and excitement, attachment, and a calming feeling after climax Kastleman (2005).  These chemicals create a powerful imprint on the brain, and creates a strong connection in the addict to pornography and it's relation to sexual climax.  It is while an addict is in the grip of the narrow view that he is completely immersed in his "dark side."  Kastleman refers to it as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  In the middle of the funnel, the addict is Mr. Hyde.  Think of tunnel vision on steroids.  That may not be a very clinical analysis, but it's the best I have for it.

The addict leaves the middle of the funnel usually after climax.  Immediately he returns to "real time" and enters into what Kastleman refers to as the hopeless dialogue.  This is when the addict feels shame, guilt, and self-loathing.  He usually vows to stop his behavior and promises to himself never to do it again.  He doesn't understand what he was just doing, or what he was thinking.  According to Kastleman (2005), "Once he descends into the Pornography Funnel, he gives up his ability to "think."  The overpowering flood of chemicals overrides his cognitive thought and reasoning abilities.  The frontal lobes-the logic center of the brain-are virtually shut down and the limbic system, which controls the pleasure/emotional centers of the brain, take over" (p 31).

At this point, we are going to take a break.  I will continue to discuss the escalation of sex addiction and how an addict seeks greater and more risky behavior to experience the same highs.  I will also discuss how porn addiction had been described as more addictive than heroin.  I hope you have found this informative.  Until next time...

References

Carnes, P.  (2001).  Out of the shadows:  Understanding sexual addiction.  Center City, 

     MN:  CompCare Publishers.

Kastleman, M. B.  (2005)  Healing hearts & mending minds.  Orem, UT:  LifeBalance 

     Institute, Inc.

How I Became Addicted to Porn Pt 4

Dear Jesus, I beg your forgiveness for the many sins that I have committed against you, against my family, and against myself.  I rely only on your mercy and forgiveness.  Please show me the path of righteousness that I may follow you always.  Without you, I am weak and unable to do anything.  I give you my life, my will, my body and soul.  Cleanse me of the darkness that has pervaded my soul.  Shine your light in the dark caverns of my heart that I may be redeemed.  Be with me in my hours of weakness.  I beg you, Jesus. 

Amen

Ok, I promise this is going to be the last post in this series.  It will probably be the hardest for me to write, as it will bring up things that have happend very recently.  Anyways, so here I was, out of the Marine Corps.  I managed to get a job working for a start-up non-profit organization.  I was the only employee and was tasked with getting things going.  I was glad to have the work, although it didn't pay very well.  I wasn't acting out as much, as we had a good filter on our home internet, and I didn't have many opportunities.  However, I still was able to manipulate my way into it occasionally. 

The kicker came when one of the board members offered one of his own offices for me to use.  I had my own computer.  Can you see where this is going?  Yup.  I looked at porn there too.  I even kind of got caught one time when the board member came into my office and saw something on the computer.  He never mentioned it, but I knew that he knew.  I liked the job, and thought it was going to be my life's work, when I was fired all of a sudden without any warning.  It wasn't for looking at porn either.  I won't get into a whole lot of details for legal reasons, but suffice it to say that I was pretty poed.  All of a sudden, I was jobless and broke and really resentful.  That's a good recipe for more porn.

Luckily, I was able to get into the local college for music.  Here it was!  I was saved!  I admit, it was a challenge to go to school with a bunch of recent high school grads.  I was almost thirty!  Plus, the girls were pretty good looking as well.  My wife was wary of it, but I started classes and did pretty well.  I quickly found that I could check out a laptop from the library and find a corner and look at porn.  During the summer after my first year of college, I started to get bored with just porn.  I started looking at Craig's List, I signed up for a couple of adult hookup sites. 

I never actually was able to make something work, but I was actively looking to have an affair at this point.  That's not good.  Things progressed with my porn addiction to the point where, after the first semester of my second year, my wife threatened to leave me.  I was so devastated that I spilled my guts to a girl that I knew at school, who I also told that I wanted to be "friends with benefits."  I soon realized my error and apologized, but I was a little scared that it had actually happened.  I started a twelve step program for sex addiction, and actually saw some results. 

I had a blissful two and a half months of recovery until I got lazy with my prayer life.  It is God that sustains any sobriety, and when you let Him go, so does your sobriety.  I started looking at porn again, and quickly got up to the point where I had left off.  I was looking at it in the library for hours and still checking out ways to have an affair.  I was still unable to make any progress with it, fortunately for my marriage. 

After my sophomore year, I worked that summer and still continued to look at porn when I had the chance.  Things came to a boil when my wife found all the sites that I had joined, all the messages I had sent to Craig's List people, and realized how much I was still looking at porn and not trying to recover.  This was a few weeks ago from this posting, by the way.  She took the kids and left the house while I was at work.  She went to a friends' house and left me a note.  It said pretty much that if I didn't do anything, she wasn't going to come back.  It was up to me.

Here is where I had to make some tough life choices.  I can't tell you the conflict that I experienced.  There was a part of me that WANTED her to just go so I could do whatever I wanted.  That was my addict part, the insane part of me that couldn't stop the addiction.  The part of me that loves my family missed them being away for just one night.  I said a Rosary that night and vowed to go make things right with her.

I got to the friends' house where she was staying.  I was a little awkward and didn't know how to start.  She had some demands.  She didn't want me to go back to school.  I reeled at this suggestion.  This was my passion, my attempt at a real career.  She wanted me to leave?  I also had to attend as many twelve step meetings that I could find, talk to a therapist, and pretty much do everything that I could.  It took me a little while, but I agreed to withdraw from school.  I even quite my job.

I got the feeling that I was supposed to give EVERYTHING up to God.  My life, my finances, my marriage, my kids, everything.  I disenrolled from school, quit my job, and said, "Thy Will be done."  I can't tell you how hard that is.  I am still not well.  I have much work to do.  We just back from the beach.  It was great.  I loved taking my kids to where I went as a kid and giving them some of those same memories.  On another note, I had a hard time dealing with all the visual imagry that was available. 

So that's it.  We're up to present now.  I can't tell you how it's going to end, because the story is still unfolding.  I am still a sex addict and completely powerless over it.  I cannot do a thing to stop it except to completely surrender to God.  Please pray for me and my marriage.  I don't want to lose my family.  I really don't.  My wife can't handle it anymore and will leave me if I can't stop.  I tell you that I can't.  Only God can do anything for me at this point.  St Paul said, "In my weakness I am strong."  If that's the case, I should be able to take on Samson pretty soon, 'cause I am REALLY weak. 

My next post will be a little different in that I will be attempting to explain some of the science behind addiction, and how it affects the brain.  You're right, I'm not a scientist by any means, but I'm going to tell you what some of the guys who actually know what they're talking about have to say.  God bless you and keep you. 

How I Became Addicted to Porn Pt 1

Lord Jesus Christ, I offer you this post to your glory.

Humble me and help me offer myself completely to you.

I ask you to bless those who read this that they may come to know you better.

I ask this through the intercession of Mary, your Mother.

Amen.

Before I can start truly journaling my current recovery, I have to get you up to speed with how I got myself in this whole mess in the first place.  I mean, I've been working on this for over twenty years.  (Wow, it's scary to write that and realize what it means!)  I was always a curious young lad and had to experience things for myself.  It wasn't enough to be told not to do something.  I had to go and figure out exactly why. When I was in sixth grade, I had a friend who was quite a good artist.  One day, he brought in some pictures he had copied out of his dad's Playboy.  Let me tell you, they were quite good.  I was absolutely enthralled.  Wow, naked women!  I even got to keep a couple of 'em.  I remember the strange feeling I got when I looked at them.  My whole body tingled and I felt excited both by what I was looking at, and the secrecy needed to look at them.  If I got caught, I'd be dead meat.  

I then went on a quest to find more pictures of naked women.  Keep in mind, this was the early nineties, so Internet porn wasn't there yet.  I went into the library and book stores and looked in the photography section, or the sex section.  It was quite a thrill to be in a public place looking for pictures of naked women.  At this point, I hadn't quite discovered masturbation yet, but my body was definitely reacting to it.  I also had another friend who happened to have cable TV.  Again, this was before satellites and DirecTV and all that.  He had a cable box.  It was possible however, to watch cable on other TVs in the house without a cable box being attached to it.  When you did this, the subscription channels weren't completely blocked out, so things like Spice, Adam & Eve, and the Playboy Channel came in fuzzily.  I would spend hours at his house trying to get a glimpse of something.

This took place during middle school and all that sexual awakening and stuff.  I was quite intense about it.  When I got in "the zone", I would go at it for hours on end if I had the opportunity.  My friend with the scrambled channels would get quite frustrated with me, because that's all I wanted to do.  When I actually discovered masturbation and the intense release that came with it, it became something that happened several times a day.  I know, sounds like a "normal" pre-teenage boy, doesn't it?  Perhaps.  During this time, I was also going to church regularly.  I started to feel the conflict between what the Church teaches about sex, masturbation, and pornography, and what I was actually doing, but I was unable to stop.  I was enthralled with the tease, the forbidden, the excitement.

We got a computer and AOL, and that was a HUGE thing.  I loved chatting.  Unfortunately, I ran the phone bill up so high with that dial-up modem, that we had to get rid of it.  I remember we disconnected right when I saw advertisements saying, "Coming soon, the World Wide Web!"  Seems like another century, doesn't it?  I kept on with the materials I had already.  Eventually my elementary school became an Internet host site, so there was a local number.  Oh, it's on now....

I was the only one in the family that actually knew how to work the darn computer.  My parents were clueless.  I was excited to be able to go to different web pages and see what was on them.  I also quickly discovered how to find LOTS of pictures of naked women.  I could also find more hardcore stuff.  At the time, I thought I was in heaven.  I created a folder within many other folders on the computer in which I could store pictures, and the collection quickly grew.  I figured out how to create another window and place it over my porn window if someone came downstairs.  Once I got on the Internet, things started to go way more quickly.  I was getting OBSESSED with sex.  I wanted to try it, I wanted to see naked girls live, I wanted to do everything I saw in the pictures.

In today's day and age, this sounds like a "normal" boy who is started puberty.  The hormones start to rage, masturbation kicks in, and curiosity about sex grows intensely.  I know this is what the majority of pre-teen boys do, but is it really normal and healthy?  Is it in God's plan for boys to do this?  From my experience, I say.....NO!  I'll get into this issue in a later post.  I just want to tell my story as it happened.  There's plenty of time to get into all these things.  In the next post, I will talk about my high school years and how sexually active I was by the end of them.  Thanks for reading!

Author's Note:  I realize that some of this may seem somewhat graphic to you.  My intent is not to describe graphic sexual situations to you, but rather be honest.  Porn addiction is ugly stuff, and sometimes I'll have to use ugly terms to describe it.  I will try my best not to be blatant or offensive, but sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade.