Men, Women, and Sex: Part 4

Dear Jesus,

I praise you for your blessings and your love.  You are my strength and my life.  I ask you for humility and for a generous heart that I may serve others to the best of my ability.  Come into my soul, Jesus, and dwell in and transform it so that it looks like You.  You are the purpose of my life.

Amen.

I refuse to be one of those bloggers who apologizes for not having written in a while, but suffice it to say that life has been a giant roller coaster for the past several weeks, and that I am glad to finally be able to write again.  I am going to continue with this series about the way God actually designed men and women and how what exactly His design for sex really is.  In this post, I will be discussing women and the beautiful way in which God designed them.  Ladies, I realize I am not a woman and cannot truly understand your experience, but know that I am at least running all this by my wife for some kind of validation and editing.  Pay attention, men.  I hope this is something that you can use to learn more about the women in your lives so that you may honor, love, and respect them better.  

If you look at the media through the mindset that "sex sells," it becomes apparent that women's bodies are all over the place in various stages of undress.  We see all kinds of examples of "beauty" and what women should look like, supposedly.  There are lotions and creams to reduce wrinkles, tight clothes to show off a figure, bras that make the breasts appear bigger than they really are, etc.  To an outsider, it might look like women are obsessed with being beautiful.  So what was God thinking when He designed the female body the way He did?  Let's take a look at it...

The female body really is absolutely amazing.  The average woman has higher levels of oxytocin, estrogen, and progesterone than the average man.  Her hips are wider, her voice is higher, she has less body hair, more fat deposits, less upper body muscle, and less testosterone.  Her genitalia are INTERNAL, as opposed to the external penis and testicles of the man.  She lovingly RECEIVES the semen inside of her and CONCEIVES a new life that her entire body works towards nurturing and growing.  This is incredible!  Her entire body becomes devoted to the care of the child.  After the child is born, her breasts fill with milk in order to feed her baby.  Yes men, breasts have a function.  Sorry ladies, I cannot explain the male fascination with breasts, just understand that they have an erotic function to the visually acute male.  We find them beautiful and arousing.  

Let's get back to the active receptivity that is represented by the internality of the female genitalia.  Women are ACTIVELY RECEPTIVE by their nature.  Notice I didn't say passive.  I didn't say that they sit around and wait to make lots of babies.  This active receptivity goes well beyond the functions of childbirth.  This active receptivity is embedded in a woman's brain.  Her corpus callosum, the tissue that connects the two hemispheres of the brain, is bigger than that of the average man.  This makes women more "web thinkers," able to multi-task and focus on more than one thing at a time.  Women are more relationship driven, seeking to connect to other people and finding satisfaction in those relationships.  They actively receive those things into them and give of themselves to the people with whom they have relationships.  According to John Paul II in The Theology of the Body, "she finds herself again in the very fact of giving herself 'through a sincere gift or herself,' when she is accepted in the way in which the Creator wished her to be, that is, 'for her own sake,' through her humanity and femininity."  

Women are more relational than men, so it goes to say that women are more emotionally perceptive and more observant of someone's needs.  This is obvious in childrearing.  I can speak through my own experience that my wife is able to detect when something is wrong with one of our kids, either physically or emotionally, long before I am able to come to the same conclusion.  It also amuses me when she is able to predict something about me or makes a deep observation about me that I had no clue that she even knew!  It used to drive me crazy, but now I am more amused by it than anything else.  Women are much more intuitive in all their relationships in men, and are finely tuned to how everyone is feeling and getting along.  They are peacemakers, for the most part, and seek to make everyone in a group setting feel welcome and understood.    

It doesn't do much good to discuss the amazing workings of the female body without a discussion of beauty.  Back in the good ol' Garden of Eden, God made man and woman in His own likeness.  This means that both men and women are a direct reflection of the nature of God.  Why does a woman strive so hard to be attractive and to feel like she is beautiful?  She is a direct reflection of the nature of God's beauty.  Fitting into the narrative is how men seek this beauty.  They are seeking God, and God put women on Earth to be the representatives of His greater beauty.  No two woman are the same, and every woman is a special facet of the beauty of God.  

It makes sense how this beauty is exploited and twisted.  Just look at the porn industry.  It takes the beauty of woman and distorts it into something evil and ugly.  The porn industry abuses the women who "perform" and presents a twisted and ugly picture of something that is a gift from God.  God gave women a special dignity that is represented in their beauty, their gift of self, and their ability to nurture and help others.  Satan attacks this dignity with vengeance as is obvious when you look around our society.  Satan hates women and motherhood, as reflected in the Bible.  In Genesis 3:15 God says to the serpent, "I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; He will strike at your head, while you strike at his heel."  From the very beginning, the devil has had a special animosity towards women.  He has done everything he can to defile that which God made beautiful.  

In my own limited way, I have discussed the way in which God designed a woman's body.  It is mysterious, beautiful, and wonderful.  I know that you women may not always feel like that every month, but God made you with a special dignity.  You are truly a daughter of the King, made in His image.  You are my sisters, and I work hard to love and respect you more and more each day.  I have abused so many of you through my addiction to pornography, and now I call myself to love and serve you more and more each day.  Never forget who you are, and the respect and honor that you deserve, that is so frequently denied you.  Never settle for less.  You are unique and beautiful, every single one of you.  Wow, writing this has brought me to tears.  Be at peace my sisters.  Be at peace.  

Men, Women, and Sex: Part 3

Dear Jesus,

Inspire in me, your humble and bumbling servant, the words and ideas to write in this blog.  Help me learn to trust you in everything.  Take up residence in my heart and purify it.  Make it your dwelling place.  I ask this through the intercession of Mary, your Holy Mother, and Padre Pio.

Amen

Here we are again, dear readers.  I promise this will be the last post about masculinity.  We will then explore God's design for femininity for a couple posts, and then tie it all together with what sex and sexuality is all about.  As for now, we need to talk about the archetypes found in the masculine character.  If you are just reading this series for the first time, I would suggest reading part one here, and part two here.  My discussion of the archetypes will be brief, but I hope informative.  If you want to read more in depth on these issues, I suggest purchasing and listening to any of Dr Phillip Mango's talks from  OWFC Media.  Also, I highly recommend reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. 

Ok, so this is going to be dealing with the four archetypes found in the masculine spirit.  What I mean by archetype in this context is a an overarching concept or idea that embodies a certain characteristic, like leadership or strength.  God imbued these archetypes in the masculine spirit in His own image.   We were all made in the image of God the Father, and that means that we have His characteristics, both in the masculine and in the feminine.  Our very hearts are made from God's own image, how awesome is that?  Our masculine and feminine traits are rendered in His own image.  He defined the masculine character with four basic archetypes.  I'm sure there are other interpretations, and that's great.  I personally connect well with these. 

The King-  The King is the leader.  He lovingly guides his people and gives his very self to them.  He protects them from harm, both spiritual and physical.  He provides for their well-being.  The leader is a servant of his people, and willingly sacrifices himself for their own good.  Images of William Wallace from Braveheart come to mind, as well as King Solomon.  I'd say Jesus is a good one too.  All men are leaders in one way or another.  Either as a father or at work, men have leadership imprinted in them.

There are two distortions of the leader that render him incapable.  The first one is the man who refuses to lead.  He is unable to make a decision, and passively allows other to walk all over him.  He sits on the sidelines and doesn't take responsibility for anything.  The other distortion of the king is the man who is authoritative, a dictator.  He loves holding power over people and uses it control them and to serve himself.  He can be a micromanaging person who doesn't allow anyone to climb to their full potential in the workplace.

The Warrior-  The warrior goes into battle and fights for his family, his friends, and his faith.  It is the father who is on his knees praying for his family, the man who does not back down from his faith when confronted, the man who fights for his wife's heart daily.  The warrior man is able to defend himself and his family spiritually, psychologically, and physically.  Jesus is the true warrior.  He fought demons and the pharisees in order to call His people.  He even went into Hell in order to gain our salvation.  The warrior is willing to give up his life in order to save those in his care or for his cause.

The two distortions of the warrior are similar to those found in the king.  The first distortion is the man who refuses or is incapable of fighting.  He is passive and does nothing to defend himself or to stop injustices from occurring.  He doesn't want to "offend" anyone, and renders himself ineffective.  He's a "nice guy" and won't be taken seriously.  The other distortion is the warrior gone bad, the cruel, vicious   warlord.  He enjoys cruelty and inflicting pain on others.  The savage warrior can take on many guises, some very subtly.

The Lover-  The term lover refers not only to sexual intimacy, but to a reverence and appreciation of beauty and its preservation.  There are several categories of love, according to the Greeks:

1. Agape- Unconditional and self-sacrificing love 
2. Philia- Brotherly love, the bonds of friendship and loyalty
3. Storge- Affection, between family members
4. Eros- Romantic love, passionate and sensual desire and longing
5. Thelema- desire, as in the desire to do something

The lover archetype is filled with and becomes a channel of the of love of God.  It is this willingness and acceptance to be filled with God's love that fuels and supports all the other archetypes.  The lack of these different types of love is what leads to distortions in all the other archetypes.  How love fuels our whole being is something to which I think I'm going have to devote a whole blog post.

The distortions of the lover archetype can be found in selfishness, objectification of other people, and passivity.  Our love is the main ingredient to who we are as human beings.  When that gets distorted, there is a domino effect that ripples into our entire being.

The Wise Counselor-  You know those movies where the main character is going through some kind of trouble, and there is a wise, old man there to guide him or her through their troubles?  Mr Miyagi from The Karate Kid is the perfect example (if you haven't seen this movie, you have no excuse).  The wise counselor is a mentor and role model for younger generations.  The wise counselor also plays into the King archetype, because a king won't be very effective if he is not a good role model or mentor.  The Wise Counselor uses his wisdom and experience to guide young men and bestow upon them their initiation into manhood.  He is patient and understanding.

This has been a brief introduction to the masculine archetypes.  These three posts have been brief compared to what can be said about this topic.  I hope you will look into the sources I mentioned in the beginning of this post.  Dr Mango and John Eldredge know what they are talking about.  The next posts will discuss femininity in the same manner as the first three posts in this series.  Who we are as men and women is the most important concept because it is crucial to how we maintain families and society.  God has a plan...are we listening?

Getting Current: October 18, 2011

Dear Jesus,

I need your help.  I feel dead inside, trapped in a haze of anger and resentment.  Please help me turn to you.  You are the only one who can restore me to sanity.  You are the only one who can redeem me and clear the blackness from my soul.  As you said to the Father, I say to you now: "into your hands I commend my spirit."

Amen

Hello again.  I thought I would take a break from my Men, Women, and Sex series to write an update on how things are going with me personally.  I have to tell you, it's been tough.  Last week, I lost eleven days of sobriety.  Those eleven days were very nice.  I was praying the Rosary a couple times a day, not because I felt I had to, but because I wanted to.  I was very peaceful inside and doing my best to walk with Jesus and count on Him for my strength.  It all came crashing down when I had an opportunity to look at porn and I couldn't stop.  The life of an addict...

I have been "seeing" a therapist over the phone and I have had some very good sessions.  These sessions have been painful but fruitful.  They have involved going back into my childhood and trying to remember specific incidences that may have caused shame or embarassment.  It is amazing what has been uncovered.  You see, my parents weren't the greatest at being there to explain things, and when they did, it was awkward and left me feeling quite exposed and embarassed.  They never abused me or anything like that, they just weren't able to gain my confidence and have a meaningful conversation.

These childhood events can imprint themselves onto a child, and these imprints shape the way he may view things, handle situations, or even what turns him on sexually.  As an example, and it is embarassing to admit this, but here is one of those memories that I explored with my therapist.  When I was less than ten years old I was at a swimming party with a bunch of friends.  There were children my age there and we were all swimming and having fun.  I was in the pool and I went over to the side.  It was at that point that I saw a little girl peeing in the grass.  I was shocked and excited, as I had never seen anything like that.  My therapist pointed out that I was unable to go to my father and tell him about it.  He never was able, couldn't have been able to point out that, yeah, that's how girls pee.  Boys pee from their penis and girls from a part in their vagina.  That's how God made us, and it's good!

Going back to imprinting, that made an impression on me.  I internalized it, and that imprint has manifested in my later acting out.  See how it works?  It was amazing to me to find out how this works.  When my parents tried to talk to me about sex, it was always awkward and made me withdraw and try to avoid future conversations with them.  I remember my dad telling me as a teenager, "You know what you're not supposed to see and touch."  Ummm.....thanks, I think.  Too late for that when he told me.  I had already seen and touched a lot.  As a boy he had never told me about why I might get an erection and that it's ok.  God made us that way.  Yes it feels good, and our sexuality helps us be strong, do sports, reach out to other people.  It's ok to see a pretty girl and be moved or aroused by her beauty.  I never heard those things as a child.

I also figured out why I withdraw into myself so much when I am stressed out or in a bad mood.  I learned that behavior when I was young.  I learned it because I was awkward talking to my parents about sex, and I withdrew from them in order to avoid feeling ashamed and embarassed.  In a lot of ways, I was left to figure things out for myself.  Sex became something wrong and shameful in my eyes, but still exciting.  I grew very sneaky and aloof as a teenager and went behind my parents' backs in order to do what I wanted to do.

Since I lost my sobriety of eleven days, things have been tough.  I feel terrible about how I have acted  at home.  I have been very moody and haven't been very helpful around the house.  My poor wife, who hasn't been feeling well with her pregnancy, has had to bear the brunt of it.  I have gotten mired down in the running narrative in my head, "You're just an addict, you're a piece of !#$%, you are a failure, you can't take care of your family."  Those are the things we addicts tell ourselves on a daily basis.   My therapist sometimes pretends to be the voices and I have to argue back with them and tell them to leave.  It is helpful and an interesting approach. 

What I really want to do is get to confession and try to keep going.  I find it hard to get back on track with sobriety until I am able to go to confession.  I get totally cleaned off and feel like I am back in touch with Jesus.  Before confession, I feel like I have a big, dark cloud hanging over me. 

So that's where I am right now.  Over the past couple days, I have felt pretty dark and hopeless.  I have felt like a total failure, wallowing in self pity and selfishness.  I am going to stand back up, brush off the dust and try to keep going.  If Jesus can fall a few times carrying His cross and get back up, I can sure get up and keep carrying my cross.  Please pray for me.  I need it.

Men, Women, and Sex: Part 2

Dear Jesus,

I am but an unworthy servant.  On my own, I have lived in sin and despair.  Please take my life and my soul.  Purify it and make it Yours.  I cannot stand on my own two feet.  Help me to rely solely on You for my strength and my peace.  I ask this through the intercession of Padre Pio, and your Holy Mother.  Amen

Howdy folks!  Here's the second installment of this series.  I must warn you, it is going to be a many part series.  I think this topic is very serious and needs to be explored.  If you haven't read part one, I highly recommend it.  You can check it out here.  When it comes to exploring femininity, I am probably going to have my wife guest-blog on the issue, being that she is a woman and all.  This post is going to focus on the basic fears of men and also the four archetypes that derive from the masculine spirit that God designed.  I hope this is informative.  You may notice that I am not using references for all of this.  I am basing this on many talks I have heard from Dr. Phillip Mango, a psychotherapist from New York City and also the book "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge.  I highly recommend this book.  It speaks directly to the masculine heart.

We have established how men are built, both on the outside and the wiring in their brains.  We are now going to look more at a man's heart.  As a man's body is built for strength and defending his family and his beliefs, so is a man's spirit imbued with the desire to display a moral strength in the form of courage and good character.  To men, character is very important.  This plays directly into a man's greatest fear: failure.

To a man, failure in his work, his ability to provide for his family, and his masculinity is his primal fear.  A male addict feels like a comlete failure as he is unable to control himself and has surrendered to an outside force.  The addict believes the lies that are played over and over in his head about his own inadequacy.  This fear of failure can immobilize a man at worst, or impel him to continue his fight at best.  Women listen up here:  men need affirmation of their own masculinity from YOU.  A spouse or partner who criticizes her man and constantly blames him only drives him away into himself and away from her.  This is very important. 

The man who calls his wife from work to tell her he has been thinking about her beauty, her eyes, or her wonderful love will abide in her heart.  Men don't care about hearing that.  The woman who looks at her man and tells him how she admires his CHARACTER, his self-sacrifice, his humility, will abide in his heart and give him the courage and strength to carry on.

The second great fear of men is being found out to be a fraud.  That he doesn't actually have what it takes to be a man.  Many men go their whole lives without having this question answered.  Do I have what it takes?  The primary person in a man's life who can answer this question and lead a boy into the realm of men is his FATHER.  Masculinity can only be bestowed by other men.  I'm sorry, but a woman, a mother, cannot make her boy a man.  A boy must turn from his mother over time and be taken up by his father and be initiated into manhood.  This answer to this question is critical to a boy's development.  When father is absent, distant, abusive, or uninvolved, it leaves this boy to wander through life finding the answer to this question.

It is an absolute tragedy that so many boys are injured early on in life by not having this question answered, and then they carry this wound with them throughout their entire lives.  Some become workaholics, trying on a deep level to please their fathers.  Others try to find the answer to this question in women and may have many sexual conquests, but remain feeling empty inside.  Many lack the self-confidence that they need and wander through life feeling insecure and unable to really commit to anything.  To me, this is very sad.  We have a crisis in authentic masculinity that is crippling this society.

The boys who grow into men with these wounds then become fathers themselves and are unable to pass down a distinct sense of masculinity to their sons because they do not have it.  You cannot give something that you do not have yourself.  This is the cycle that is created that passes down from generation to generation.  I cannot convey to you, dear reader, the sense of mourning I feel for this situation and the poor boys who grow up without a loving father.  I have my own "father wounds" and I can identify with the sense of masculinity lost.  It is a very deep wound that affects a man's entire being.

So what are the basic needs of men?  A man needs a spouse or girlfriend who does not criticize or nag, but who lovingly supports him.  That doesn't mean that they shouldn't discuss problem areas in a relationship or what not, but criticizing and nagging drive him away.  A man needs a willing sexual partner who will give herself to him as he gives himself to her in a loving sexual relationship.  I am an advocate for sex in the confines of marriage, and I will get into that at a later time.  Be careful to respect your wives, men.  It is possible to use your wife for your own gratification, rendering primarily masturbatory a supposed act of mutual self-donation.  Rather, give yourselves to her and invite her into your masculinity and your whole person and share your love and strength.  We will talk more of this when we get to the "sex" part of  this series. 

The nature of masculinity is that of strength, leadership, love, and a strong character.  A family will thrive when a man devotes himself to his wife and his children, giving of himself in humility and self-sacrifice.  Those children, both the boys and the girls, will grow up with a secure sense of themselves, of God, and of their own abilities and limitations.  The father plays a central role in the development of his children and can only do so when he is strongly rooted in his own masculinity, as designed by God.

I know I said that I would get into the four archetypes of the masculine spirit, but this has gone on long enough, I think.  I will address that issue in the next post.  I welcome your comments and feedback on all of the posts of this blog.  I write for my own recovery and also to share something of myself with all of you.  May God bless you and keep you, if you let Him. 

Men, Women, and Sex: Part 1

Dear Jesus,

I know that I have been made in the image of the Father, and that He called me "Good."  Help me to conform my life and my will to the Father's.  Help me to be the man that He created me to be.  Help me to live in your Truth.  I ask this through the intercession of Padre Pio, your humble servant.

Amen.

Hello again, dear reader.  This next series of posts will concentrate on how God designed us as men and women.  I will do my best not to parrot how society defines masculinity and femininity, but how God actually made us.  After we establish God's unique design for men and women, we will talk about what His ideas are about our sexuality.  This post will concentrate on masculinity.  We will discuss how God made men, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I think it's important to hear this message, since there are so many books and talks that tell men how they should be.  We are going to talk about how men actually are.  So pay attention gentlemen and ladies.  You women out there might actually learn a thing or two about those little things about the men in your lives that drive you CRAZY! Hehehe...

In the Book of Genesis, God made the entire world.  He looked at it and said it is good.  Coming from God, that means a lot.  When He was done with making the world, He made a man and a woman.  He called them VERY good.  That means all the nuances and idiosyncrasies of men and women are GOOD.  Men, that means you.  You are made in the image of God, and you are GOOD.  Your masculinity that is inherent to your person hood is a wonderful, beautiful thing.

Let's take a look at the male body.  Man has been given a strong musculature with high levels of upper body strength.  Testosterone courses through his blood, which is the source of his strength, his sexuality, his drive, and his passion.  His genitals are exterior.  The penis and testicles are external.  The penis gets hard and goes into the vagina and delivers the semen, which creates life.  This externality is significant in that men are built to be actively initiative.  They initiate loving sex with their wives and create life, they take dangerous risks to explore and innovate, they initiate their sons into the realm of men, and they initiate and lead their families with their drive and passion.

Men historically have been the providers for their families.  They have worked and endured long, hard conditions in order to put food on the table.  This state of active initiation has led to some of the greatest discoveries and inventions in history.  The testosterone that men have is the source of their aggression and strength.  Has it led to terrible wars and have men strayed from their God-given path?  Absolutely.  That is the nature of sin, not God's initial design for men.  God made men this way and called it good.  Men are supposed to take risks, to compete aggressively with each other, and be there to physically protect their families from danger.

So how are men wired neurologically?  I'm sure many women would tell you they're not.  Let 's start with the fact that men are brain damaged.  Yep.  It's true.  A tissue called the corpus collosum connects the two hemispheres of the brain.  This facilitates communication between the two hemispheres.  The corpus collosum of men is smaller than that of women.  Sorry guys.  Men are generally right brain thinkers.  Many women have complained about their husband's, boyfriend's, and son's ability to focus so dramatically on something that they tune everything else out.  Sorry, ladies, there's nothing you can do about it.  It's just the way we men are made.  It's actually a good thing.  It allows us to concentrate on our work and to focus narrowly on what we are doing.

We men also generally work better with lists and bullet points.  That is how our brains are wired.  Speaking for myself, I can usually focus on one or maybe two tasks at a time.  Sometimes when I am concentrating on something and my wife talks to me, I don't even hear her.  She occasionally says random things just to mess with me.  It's pretty funny.  That is also why our approach to cleaning house and taking care of the kids is different.  I'm not as good at it as my wife.  Go ahead, call me a sexist.  There is way too much multi-tasking going on for me.  I can only do one or two things at a time.

Women may also complain that all men think about is sex.  Well ladies, you're right.  According to Dr. Phillip Mango, a psychotherapist in New York City, men have a sexual thought or urge about every seven minutes.  We also get erections throughout the day.  Does this mean that we are dirty or disgusting?  NO!!!  God did that!  He said it is good!  He made us men the we are and declared it good.  Don't be ashamed of who you are, my brothers.  Don't be ashamed of your masculinity in a culture that tears it down.  God made you in His image.

Now, just to be clear, I am not advocating our sinful nature.  The sinful part of masculinity is devastating to families and society.  It leads to abandoned families, crime and murders, sexual predators, and the breakdown of male virtue as a whole.  This is not according to God's design for masculinity and is a distortion of the characteristics I have been discussing.  That is what satan does.  He takes an already existing truth and distorts it ever so slightly so that it is hollow and unfulfilling.

The last characteristic of masculinity I want to discuss is our desire for beauty.  Men, how many times have you seen an absolutely beautiful woman and been completely taken with her to the point that you trip over a curb or drive off the side of the road?  Many a teenage guy has been reduced to a babbling idiot when trying to talk to a beautiful woman.  Let's be clear: that is NOT lust!  It is how we are made.  We desire beauty.  We are visually oriented and what we see through our eyes makes a lasting impression on us.  It is not a sin or inherently wrong for a guy to see a beautiful woman and be moved by her beauty.  The problem arises when that turns into lust, and the woman becomes objectified in the man's mind or actions. 

Men may also experience beauty in nature.  God did not build men to be inside, sitting at a desk all day.  We seek adventure and a deeper meaning.  Nothing can speak better to a man's heart than when he is standing on top of a mountain overlooking the wilderness.  God put our desire for beauty into our souls.  For that desire for beauty is really a desire for God, who is the Source of all beauty.  He lets us men experience it through our eyes and souls when we behold His creation, either in the beauty of women or in nature.  This is how God made us.  This is how we are built.  As a married man, I still acknowledge when a woman is pretty.  As a sex addict, I have to be careful not to lust and look at her through a pornographic point of view.  That is our obligation as men.  Not to turn from beauty and our natural desires, but to not lust, and keep ourselves in line with God's intent.

That is enough for now.  I hope you have enjoyed reading this.  My next post will discuss the needs and fears of men, and the four archetypes of masculinity.

Getting Current: October 5, 2011

Dear Jesus,

I am not sure of the path I am being led down.  Give me the grace to trust in you so that I may follow your will.  You are the only one who can keep me sand throughout all of this.  Through the intercession of Padre Pio, keep me sober and in a state of grace.

Amen

So I guess the theme of the past couple weeks has been humility.  Right now my family has very little money, not even enough to put gas in our car, and we were short on the rent this month.  If it weren't for a kind and generous friend of ours, helping us put gas in our car; I don't know where we would be.  All in all, it's pretty stressful around here.

Let me back up.  I was scheduled to go to an in-patient facility in Pennsylvania on Oct 4.  I may have mentioned it in my last "Getting Current" update.  There was a hefty price tag, $14,700.00.  Naturally, I didn't have that kind of money just sitting around, and the money tree crop was dismal this year.  There were a couple of financing options that were available.  Unfortunately, due to the fact that I declared bankruptcy a couple years ago, I wasn't eligible.  My wife doesn't have enough credit history to take out that kind of credit line, so we were stuck there as well.

They suggested that we find someone to apply for  the initial line of credit, like a family member or something.  Well, knowing that is a huge undertaking, we asked my sister and my parents to help us with this.  Both said no.  I don't blame them.  I'm not mad at them.  That same amazing friend who has been helping us with gas wanted to help too, but they couldn't risk having that much debt.  Eventually, my wife applied through a different lending company with that same friend applying as a cosponsor.  Unfortunately, that was denied as well due to some stuff that came up in the credit check.

It was quite a dark day when I realized that I would not be going to the clinic.  I was really looking forward to it.  I had prayed, I had sacrificed, and I had tried to follow God's will, but this wasn't going to happen.  I see now that I had put a lot of eggs in that basket and tried to make God's will what it was that I wanted to happen.

On another note, I knew that our rent was going to be short because our account was so far negative that my disability money from the military wouldn't cover the rent.  I thought I would try to sell my trumpet and guitar in order to cover it.  That was a dead end pursuit as well.  The local pawnshops and music stores were not interested in my esteemed merchandise.  I got really mad at God that morning.  I felt like He had abandoned me and that He wasn't going to take care of my family after all.

I have had a deepening realization that all of this drama, all of these circumstances, and even the kindness of at least one person rushing to help are a direct result of my actions.  I have sole responsibility for the state my family is in right now.  If it weren't for my addiction and all the pain and hurt I have caused, none of this would be happening.  Both my mom and my mother-in-law have told my wife that they wouldn't blame her for leaving me.  My mother-in-law told my wife recently that this isn't the life she had wanted for my life.  It hurts to hear that, but how can I disagree?

My wife's sister recently told me off through a colorful barrage of words via text message.  I was supposed to play trumpet at her friend's wedding, and I informed her that I wasn't going to be able because I had given up music for the time being and that I might also be going away during the time of the wedding.  That didn't sit well with dear old sister-in-law and she unloaded on me  She told me that I am the most selfish person she has ever  met.  It was hurtful to hear all that, but how can I disagree?  How can I tell her she is wrong?  I can't...

I was still acting out when all of this was taking place.  Of course I was, I am an addict.  The one good piece of news is that I recently went to a Mass celebrated by a priest that knew Padre Pio of Pietrelcina.  If you don't know Padre Pio, you should check him out.  He is awesome!  We received a blessing with the glove he wore that covered the stigmata, the wounds of Christ, which he carried for fifty years of his life.  I have asked him to take me as his spiritual son.  Since then I have felt a peace and a hope that I didn't know before.

I finally came to a realization through all of these trials that I really DO want to get better.  I am going to be working closely with a friend from my twelve-step meeting that I attend.  We will go through the steps together and do the hard work that comes with working the steps.  It is not easy.  It requires you to go down deep inside yourself and face your inner demons.  I am not afraid.  Through the power of Christ and the intercession of Padre Pio, I will not be alone.  As of this writing, I have five days of sobriety.  I am thankful for this.

Please pray for me, dear reader.  I want to recover and follow God's will.  I want to be a man of God, a good husband and father, and someone who cares for others.  I have been none of those things so far.  It is only through the grace of God that I can do anything.

Your Brain On Porn: The Science Behind The Addiction Part 3

Jesus,

I ask you to use me as your instrument to spread the truth about pornography and how it destroys people, families, marriages, and our society.  I know only a little, please give me the words to convey this evil to your sons and daughters who read this blog.  I ask this through the intercession of you Holy Mother, Mary.

Amen

Allright, folks, it's time for the last part in this series.  In the first post, I talked about the funnel, and how the addict moves through the funnel while viewing pornography.  In the second post, I talked about how the addict's brain builds very strong mental models through the use of the pornography, which leads to a compulsion.  I also mentioned how the personality of the addict changes over time into something much different than the "true" self.  In this post, I'm going to attempt to tie it together and explain how pornography is affecting our society as a whole and how it influences those who either commit sex crimes, or begin doing so.  I will be writing my opinion on many of these issues and drawing from my own experiences as an addict.  No, I have never actually committed a crime, but I am an addict, nonetheless, and if my wife hadn't stuck by my side, I cringe to think where I could have gone.  

I think it helps to mention at the onset of this post that this addiction, and most others, are a manifestation of a deeper spiritual and psychological problem.  Think of the acting out of the addiction as a symptom of a disease that is much more personal.  The addiction is a learned behavior that develops over many years of repetition. To put it simply, acting out is a form of self-medication, an escape.  After therapy with several different therapists, I can say that early on in an addict's life, he learns to escape by withdrawing into pornography. The circumstances he is trying to escape may be physical or emotional abuse, distant parents, low self-esteem, or any number of things.  This can happen early on in life or later on, but frequently, it starts pre-adolescence.  The addict seeks to escape from those negative feelings and harsh realities in an unhealthy way.  This is his release, his time to feel good and experience release from tension.  On another note, many people who are sexually abused become sex addicts as well.  There are many women and men out there who can relate to that.  It is a tragedy.

I have tried to find research about pornography and sex crimes and I was surprised to find articles that claim that hard pornography, including child pornography, actually decrease the number of rapes and child abuse.  I think this is absolutely absurd.  In this article, the author minimizes inmates claims of pornography use leading them to committing crime as shifting the blame and not taking responsibility.  Don't you, my esteemed reader, think for a second that I do not think sex offenders should be held accountable for their actions.  But we also have to take a hard look at what the line of thinking and motivation is for committing those actions really is.  People don't just randomly come to the conclusion one day that they are going to go out and commit a heinous crime.  There has to be a certain degree of impaired thinking and values that accompany such acts.  One of the most infamous sex offenders is Ted Bundy.  He had some serious things to say about how pornography contributed to his acting out.  You can read his interview here.

We have discussed how the long term use of pornography effects an individual.  His entire personal belief system is altered and his personality is changed.  Talk to any spouse of a sex addict, and try to tell her that her husband isn't a completely different person, and not for the better, either.  A sex/porn addict will be much more irritable, make increasingly harsh demands of his spouse in the bedroom, and continue to seek more graphic depictions of sexual acts.  Sometimes, porn gets boring on its own.  The addict then seeks to recreate some of the things he has been viewing.  Sometimes the addict starts seeking prostitutes, massage parlors, and having one night stands.  

If an addict has been watching porn that depicts "actresses and actors" who appear younger than the age of eighteen, then how do you suppose that addict's brain is going to be wired?  He is going to seek sexual encounters with underage teenagers.  That certainly leads to problems with the law.  As we have already noted, the images in pornography are seared into the addict's brain.  Sexual pleasure and release are associated with those images.  Inevitably, as pornography becomes more "boring", the addict is then going to seek out that which his brain is already wired.  Does anybody else see this as a problem?  

Pornography use is quite prolific in the United States today.  To save room on this blog, you can find some of those stats here, here, and also this one , which is EXCELLENT.  The one stat I find the most disturbing is that the largest consumer of pornography is the 12-17 Age Group!!!  That is crazy!  What do you think is happening to their ability to have real relationships, their ability to develop a healthy sexuality, and to their brain structure?  Nothing good, I guarantee it.  How is this going to affect society?  I'll leave you to draw your own conclusion based on all that has been said regarding this issue so far.  

Based on my own experience as a porn/sex addict and my own research, I think this is a world-wide epidemic that is destroying the inner workings of our sexuality and it's true beauty.  This destruction prevents us from having a satisfied relationship, not only sexually, but relationships in general, it prevents us from seeing other people outside of the pornographic view, and it spreads a cheap, thrill based view on sex and sexuality that leaves us unfulfilled, overall.  There are millions and millions of people who struggle with this addiction or that have suffered through someone else's addiction.  Pornography is the basis for ruined lives and failed marriages.  Men and women all over the US and the world have become slaves to this thing that is supposed to make us "free."  This thing that is supposed to be just a "harmless pastime."  

Resources for You

Healing Hearts and Mending Minds by Mark Kastleman:  This book is an excellent source for defining the brain science behind internet porn, but also combating the dominant mental models it creates.

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes:  This book offers great insight into the nature of addiction and the process that addicts go through.  He offers great insight based on his many years of research and experience.

http://candeohealthysexuality.com/  This is an online program for healing from sexual addiction developed by Mark Kastleman.  It works to overcome the pornographic mental models in the brain and develop new, healthy ones.  

http://www.shelleylubben.com/  Shelley Lubben is a former porn actress who has started the Pink Cross Foundation and now speaks out against the porn industry.  She has a powerful story which she uses to help other porn actors and actresses leave the industry and find new lives.  

http://www.thekingsmen.us/ This is a great men's group that protests outside porn shops in Pennsylvania.  They have also started many different men's groups and runs a great retreat called Into The Wild.  

I hope this series has been helpful to you.  I think it is very important to understand the nature of addiction and how it effects the addict and those around him.  This isn't just a case of some "perverts" who can't control themselves and are causing problems for an otherwise blameless society.  This is something that has woven itself deep into the fabric of our society and is destroying us from the inside out.  In subsequent posts, I will talk about God's true plan for sexuality and how He actually made us as men and women and the called it GOOD.  God bless you.

Getting Current Sep 20 2011

Dear Jesus,

It's a little awkward talking to you right now.  I know I haven't been praying a whole lot lately.  All I can ask is that you don't give up on me.  Sometimes I give up on myself and I lose faith.  Please forgive my weakness.  I cannot stop this on my own.  I have no power.  I feel lost and alone.  Please be at my side.  Please provide for my family.  I can only focus on my own recovery now.  In your name I pray...

Amen

I know I haven't updated in a while.  I wish I could relate some amazing story of how I have taken a complete 180 and am now forging ahead on the path to a long-lasting recovery.  Unfortunately, I would be lying.  These past few weeks have been very difficult.  I have felt lost and abandoned and completely overwhelmed by this addiction.  I wish I could say I haven't acted out at all.  That would also be a lie.  I have looked at porn when I have been able to.  I have gone behind my wife's back AGAIN.  I have cheated on her through my eyes again.  I really hate myself when I do that, but for some reason, I seem to keep going back to it.  

During these past few weeks, I have come to a much clearer understanding of the nature of my addiction and exactly how powerless I am over it.  I have realized just how selfish and self-seeking I am.  I discovered just how much I seek to escape from life and try to find something to turn to.  I turn to the computer, to food, to tobacco, and to porn.  These are the things that rule my life.  I don't know how this came to be, but I know that my life is unmanageable and I am unable to control it.  I have realized how selfish and self-seeking I am, and how much that affects my family.  This is the first step in the twelve step programs, realizing that your life is unmanageable over whatever you are addicted to.  It is a very humbling step.  I have realized the full magnitude of my addiction over the past couple weeks, and have also been disheartened by it.

I have given up everything of my old life.  I am not going to school for music any more, I have stopped singing in the choir at a local church, I am not singing or playing the trumpet any more.  In fact, I have listed my trumpet for sale in the local newspaper.  This is the trumpet that I bought with my own money after I graduated high school.  I have had it for over ten years.  This all hurts very much.  When my wife found the sent emails I had sent to Craigslist advertisements, she asked me to not go back to school.  I prayed about it, and also felt that I needed to leave my job as well.  I got the feeling that I had to give up my life in order to save it.  I have entrusted the care of my family to the Lord.  I know it sounds insane.  My whole life has already been insane, so why not try a different brand of insanity?

My wife was supposed to start a job, but they haven't put her on payroll yet.  This means that I don't have enough money to put gas in my car.  We're also out of foodstamps for the month.  Yes, I'm on foodstamps.  When I have had an income after getting out of the Marines, we have pretty much been below the poverty line.  I can't tell you what a great stress this is.  I'm supposed to be the protector and provider for my family.  I haven't provided squat, and instead of protecting them, I have been the biggest threat in my own family's lives.  This has all really sunk in recently.  I haven't been able to get past it to the part where I let God into my life.  I've tried, believe me.  Either He doesn't feel like answering right now, or I'm missing something.  I don't know.

This is a great illustration of the addiction and how absolutely insane it is.  My wife recently told me that either something changes and I start working my butt off trying to recover or she is leaving.  Any sane person would say, "Hmm, it sounds like you'd better stop.  I know I would."  Yeah, I know that too.  But I haven't stopped.  No, I'm not spending hours on the computer every day, but I am still looking at porn when I get the chance.  It makes no sense.  If I stand to lose everything, why do I still do it?  Because I'm an addict, that's why.  I don't have control over the addiction.

So what am I going to do now?  My wife and I have discussed the possibility of me going to an in-patient facility.  A lot of them are pretty expensive.  I don't know if I'll be able to go, but I found a good one in Pennsylvania.  I hope that works out.  So that's it, I'm totally broke, still caught in the web of this addiction, and I don't know what to do.  I hope God can help out soon, because I have reached my limit.  If you are new to this blog, check out how I got in this mess in the first place by reading my four part story, part one, part two, part three, and part four.

Please pray for me.  This is a really tough time for me and for my wife.  I want to be the husband and father that I haven't been for the most part.  I want to get rid of this blackness inside of me.  I want to be able to look at women and appreciate them for who they are and admire their beauty without sexualizing it and lusting after it.  I want to love my wife the way God wants me to love her.  

Your Brain On Porn: The Science Behind The Compulsion Part 2

Jesus, I don't have any deep or eloquent prayers at this time.  All I know is that I am a sex addict and I need your help.  Without you, I would be at the computer all day and night.  I give you permission to use whatever it takes to keep me from acting out.  I don't care what needs to be done, I will do it.  

Amen

Disclaimer:  You may have noticed in the first part of this series that I refer to sex addicts in the singular with the pronoun "he," when the subject is singular, of course.  For all you politically correct junkies out there, I am not trying to exclude women from the realm of sexual addiction.  There are plenty of women out there who suffer from sex and porn addiction as well.  I'm just too lazy to type "he or she" every time I have to write a pronoun.  

Hello again.  I am now going to continue where I left off talking about what happens in the brain during the addiction cycle, and how it alters the brain structure.  If you haven't read the first part of this article, I would suggest doing so.  You can find it here.  Otherwise you might not know what's going on.  I'm sorry if it is a little dry.  It's hard to bring scientific terms to life so we can all be amazed and riveted.  I personally find this subject fascinating.  It provides a deeper look into why someone behaves the way he does.  Ok, so here's the rest of the story...

Our brains are built to function at the highest capacity.  For example:  when we learn a skill, it takes a lot of practice in order to be able to function adequately.  When learning to ride a bike, I'm sure many of us have taken many spills and skinned many knees as we struggled to gain the necessary skills.  Our brains had to adjust to the muscle coordination needed to balance on the bike and pedal at the same time.  As we continued to practice, we didn't need to think about it anymore.  We were able to hop on and go on our merry way.  Why did this happen?  Because our brains developed the appropriate pathways and neural connections in order to execute this skill without having to relearn every time we tried to ride a bike. 

The human brain works like this in the development of all skills and knowledge.  It stores information away so that we can easily recall it.  This is the brain's way of maximizing efficiency so that it does not become bogged down with having to relearn the same information and skills every time they are encountered.  So what does this have to do with porn?  Ask an addict, and he can tell you that he has thousands of pornographic images stored in his head that he has seen over the years.  This is because all of those images have been "seared" into his brain by the brain's own processes.  Pornography trains the brain to react to the images seen in a particular manner, mainly arousal.  When an addict concentrates on voyeur pornography, for example, he trains himself to become aroused by seeing windows and people in windows.  If he is looking at pornography that depicts younger looking girls, he trains himself to become aroused by girls that look young, or that actually are younger than legal age.  See how this works?

The reason why pornography becomes so deeply ingrained in the brain (ha, a little poetry there) is because of the chemicals released while the addict is looking at pornography.  We talked about the funnel.  When the addict is in the narrow part of the funnel, for him, all time has stopped and all he can concentrate on is the increasing excitement of the images or videos in front of him.  His brain is bombarded with chemicals that increase the rush and help him focus even more narrowly.  As he approaches climax, as is the goal of most addicts, these chemicals bring him to a height of hollow ecstasy and intimacy.  You see, these chemicals, which are meant to bond two people together, are actually bonding the addict to the pornography.  The images become deeply seared in the brain as they are encountered in this manner.  When the addict climaxes, a wave of serotonin is released that brings about a feeling of deep calm and release from stress (Kastleman 2005).  

The addict soon learns to turn to this process as a solution to many of life's problems.  Mark Kastleman (2005) wrote, "Combining repetition with extreme visual images, pornography builds an incredibly dominant mental model in the brain.  As pornography is repeatedly viewed, the mental model grows larger and more dominant.  Deep "ruts" form in this complex network of interconnected sexual images, conflicting emotions, chemical release and climax (p 35).  The addict becomes addicted to the rush of chemicals that are released in the brain.  It becomes his "drug."  

The pornographic mental model becomes dominant in the addicts mind.  He sees everything through the "haze" of pornography.  I can personally relate.  When I view a lot of pornography, I start to see everything as something sexual, even if it is not sexual in nature.  It is like I have goggles on through which I see sex in everything.  Kastleman (2005) writes, "There is a lot more going on in the Pornography Funnel than sexual arousal.  In fact, remove sexual arousal from the process and any similarities to sexual intimacy in a healthy marriage cease.  The pornography-viewing mental model contains a vast array of connections to many emotions, feelings and memories that have nothing to do with sex.  It is these "other" connections that give pornography an enormous power that goes beyond the sexual (p 28).  There is pornography out there in which religious symbols are used, such as one of the "actors" wearing a cross.  That is just sick.  That creates a pornographic mental map even of religion!

As the addiction progresses, the addict starts to view increasingly harsh material.  Like any drug, more is required to achieve the same "high."  The addict views more hardcore material such as fetishes, bondage, rape and other bizarre forms of pornography.  Most addicts live a double life throughout their addiction.  There is the life that he invents and uses as a cover so others won't be able to see his "real self."  The addict goes to great lengths to maintain this cover, using deceit, manipulation, and anything else he needs to do.  He believes that he is vulgar and repulsive, and that if anyone found out about what he does, he would be abandoned and deemed a pervert or something.

The addict can undergo a dramatic change in personality.  Kastleman (2005) writes, "The porn viewer is gradually transformed into a different person.  He can become increasingly tolerant of sexualized media on TV and in the movies.  He may make increasingly extreme requests of his spouse during sexual intimacy.  Or he may isolate himself and begin ignoring his spouse altogether, or become increasingly cold and impersonal in their sexual encounters.  He may exhibit huge mood swings, become increasingly impatient, easily spurred to anger, depressed, withdrawn.  He may become distracted in public, staring at women (p 37).  

I realize that I have been borrowing heavily from Mark Kastleman.  I warned you in my first post that I am not a scientist.  I think it is very important to understand these issues, so I want to make sure that I am presenting clear information backed up by a credible source.  Understanding the inner workings of sex addicts will help us, as a society, be better able to help those who are suffering.  I will sign off for now.  In my next and last post in this series, I will explain how pornography is a catalyst to many sex crimes and how it is destroying our society.  I will also list several sources that will help you better research this topic.  Until next time...

References

Kastleman, M. B.  (2005)  Healing hearts & mending minds.  Orem, UT:  LifeBalance 

     Institute, Inc.

Your Brain On Porn: The Science Behind the Compulsion Part 1

Lord Jesus, I ask you to guide me as I write the truth of an affliction that hurts millions of people.  Please bless those who read this.  Help those who are struggling with an addiction to sex or pornography, that they may find help and peace in you. 
Amen

I will be the first to admit that I am not a scientist.  I know I do not have the brains or the patience to handle all the research and experiments.  That is why I am going to refer to other people who have taken the time and energy to research sex addiction and how it effects the brain.  I will also draw upon my own personal experiences to connect reality with theory.  This post will focus primarily on the physical and psychological effects that porn and sex addiction have on the brain.  There is a substantive spiritual dimension to the nature of addiction as well that I will not address here.  I will discuss the spiritual dimension in a subsequent post.

The first aspect of addiction that must be discussed is the addiction cycle itself.  Nobody starts off with the intentions of becoming a serial exhibitionist, or starts looking at extreme fetishes, or has compulsive sex with prostitutes.  Those behaviors are not built within our natural tendencies.  When someone is acting out in an uncontrollable manner, it is usually the manifestation of an addiction that has progressed over some period of time.  According to Patrick Carnes (2001), The addiction process "begins with the delusional thought processes that are rooted in the addict's belief system" (p 15).  Everybody has a core belief system about themselves that affects how they perceive reality (Carnes 2001).  This belief system is what guides us in our every day lives.  The addict has a belief system that is greatly impaired.  I can attest to the fact that addicts feel unworthy, alone, isolated, and beyond assistance.  The addict's only consolation is the need for sex and sexual release.  Sex becomes a consolation, a reward, a pastime that the addict turns to in order to vent feelings of frustration, loneliness, and despair.

The cycle of addiction usually starts early on, with the addict feeling isolated from friends and family.  A very common first sexual experience is with pornography.  Many an addict can relate the first time he first was exposed to pornography:  dad's Playboy, late night cable, a porn video left in a player.  That first glimpse is a huge rush.  It produces feelings of excitement and arousal.  Finally, here is something that can  make the addict feel better.  It's his own private pleasure.  Couple that with masturbation, and something very powerful is formed.  A cycle is created where the addict seeks to escape with increasing frequency into that realm of fantasy.  He starts to count down the minutes until he can get the next "fix."

The first time I saw pornography was in sixth grade.  A friend of mine, who was an excellent artist, copied some pictures out of his dad's Playboy and handed them out to people.  I was electrified.  Wow, a naked woman!  I stashed those pictures away and would look at them all the time.  I also started to try to find other pictures of naked women.  I looked in underwear ads, friends houses, everywhere.  I was fascinated and needed to see more.  You can see more of my early story in How I Became Addicted to Porn Pt 1.

So what is going on here?  Why is pornography so powerful?  According to Mark Kastleman (2005), "Pornography is powerful because it takes advantage of and taps into mental models with powerful emotional, biological and chemical connections throughout the brain and the rest of the body (p 18).  Our sexuality is something that is hardwired into all of us.  It is triggered at the onset of puberty and grows and evolves into something that allows us to have a close relationship with our spouse as well as to reproduce.  We have in each of us powerful feelings, emotions, and hormones that direct our sexuality.  After this consideration, it is no wonder that pornography and sex addiction are so powerful and seemingly unbeatable.

There is a very specific process we experience as we experience sexual arousal and ultimately, climax.  It is sometimes referred to as a "narrowing process", in which powerful hormones are released in our body that enable us to "tune out" practically everything around us.  Mark Kastleman refers to it as a funnel.  Think of a funnel with a wide top, a very narrow middle, and another wide end at the bottom.  It looks like an hourglass.  This is a diagram that represents that narrowing process as we move through sexual arousal.

The top of this funnel represents a wide perspective.  The addict is aware of everything around him, and is functioning normally.  The addict then moves into what Patrick Carnes calls preoccupation, where the addict is overcome with thoughts of sex.   This causes the addict to search, sometimes wildly, for sexual stimulation Carnes (2001).  When the addict begins to receive that sexual stimulation, commonly through use of pornography, he moves into the narrow part of the funnel.  This sexual stimulation can be attained through prostitutes, stalking, strip clubs, public indecency, etc.  He then moves into "addict time", where the addict is unaware of everything around him, including the passage of time Kastleman (2005).  I can remember looking at porn for hours on end, and after "coming to", realizing it was after midnight, and I had been there for six or more hours.

The narrowing process releases powerful chemicals in the brain such as Dopamine, Norepinephrine, Testosterone, Oxytocin, Vasopressin, and Serotonin.  These chemicals aid the brain in being able to focus narrowly, to experience greater pleasure and excitement, attachment, and a calming feeling after climax Kastleman (2005).  These chemicals create a powerful imprint on the brain, and creates a strong connection in the addict to pornography and it's relation to sexual climax.  It is while an addict is in the grip of the narrow view that he is completely immersed in his "dark side."  Kastleman refers to it as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  In the middle of the funnel, the addict is Mr. Hyde.  Think of tunnel vision on steroids.  That may not be a very clinical analysis, but it's the best I have for it.

The addict leaves the middle of the funnel usually after climax.  Immediately he returns to "real time" and enters into what Kastleman refers to as the hopeless dialogue.  This is when the addict feels shame, guilt, and self-loathing.  He usually vows to stop his behavior and promises to himself never to do it again.  He doesn't understand what he was just doing, or what he was thinking.  According to Kastleman (2005), "Once he descends into the Pornography Funnel, he gives up his ability to "think."  The overpowering flood of chemicals overrides his cognitive thought and reasoning abilities.  The frontal lobes-the logic center of the brain-are virtually shut down and the limbic system, which controls the pleasure/emotional centers of the brain, take over" (p 31).

At this point, we are going to take a break.  I will continue to discuss the escalation of sex addiction and how an addict seeks greater and more risky behavior to experience the same highs.  I will also discuss how porn addiction had been described as more addictive than heroin.  I hope you have found this informative.  Until next time...

References

Carnes, P.  (2001).  Out of the shadows:  Understanding sexual addiction.  Center City, 

     MN:  CompCare Publishers.

Kastleman, M. B.  (2005)  Healing hearts & mending minds.  Orem, UT:  LifeBalance 

     Institute, Inc.

Where Do I Go From Here?

Dear Jesus, right now I feel empty, lonely, and hopeless.  I don't know if I actually can beat this affliction.  I cry to you, O my God, I am at the end of my nonexistent strength.  I don't know what you want, I don't know what to do.  I feel the demon rising inside of me, taunting and tempting me.  I can't fight it, I can't beat it, I can't do a thing against it.  Help me, O Lord, to give myself to you, completely and utterly.  My faith is so weak.  Please have patience with this sinner.  Win the battles I am not equipped to even enter.

Amen

Yeah, I know I said that I was going to write a post about the science of addiction and all that, but I need to talk about some other things that are on my heart at this time.  Right now, I am absolutely helpless.  I am not returning to school, which weighs heavily on my heart, I left my job, and I STILL want to look at porn.  I can feel it inside of me, like a darkness, trying to get out.  It has been my comfort, my drug, my celebration, my self-medication.  I am not going to say that I have been completely sober since the incident where my wife left for a night with the children.  

I know how it looks.  I can see some people saying, "Dude, your wife is about to leave if you keep this up, why are you even thinking about it?"  You're right.  There is a certain level of insanity to an addiction.  You end up acting against all sense, judgement, and prudence in order to get the "fix" you are looking for.  I feel empty, like God isn't listening.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  I find it hard to pray to Him right now.  I still believe in Him, I just sometimes have a hard time approaching Him.  

This dark part of me really does want me to go to my wife and tell her that I really can't do it, that she needs to leave.  It tells me that it would be easier, and I wouldn't have to face all these inner demons that are tearing me up inside.  I feel completely broken, a pressure cooker about to explode.  I am helpless, Lord, be my strength!

I do attend weekly meetings of a twelve step group for sex addicts, and I have a sponsor that I talk to regularly.  There is also a psychotherapist who offered to give me counseling for free over the phone.  Is it really worth it?  Is there hope?  Can I get past this and live a life where I am free, passionate, a good husband and father, and close to God?  I don't know.  I guess this is where true Faith comes in to play.  What I must do now is COMPLETELY give everything over to God, again and again, and let Him mold me in His image, and show me the way to support my family.  

As an addict, I am not in control of anything.  I have been a slave to pornography for most of my life.  It has nearly destroyed my marriage, and skewed the way I look at everything.  I am tired of this.  I want to be done with it, but I am too weak to even put up a fight.  God, be my strength!  Come into my life and give me a reprieve of my addiction.  I cannot do this anymore.  My inner insanity will destroy everything I have and lead me to a life of despair and destruction.  

These are the things that we addicts experience.  We are completely controlled by our obsessions and powerless over them.  The addiction progresses more and more into depravity and leads us into committing grave acts.  Please don't think that I am excusing this behavior.  It is evil.  But when an addiction progresses to a certain point, the addict can become a serious danger to society, despite whatever he or she may do to stop the addiction.  We are responsible for our actions, but the addict who commits a heinous act is not even in control of himself anymore.  Luckily, my addiction never ventured into the realm of seeking the "real thing."  I never went to prostitutes or sexually molested anybody.  Thank God.  But there are those who do, and their victims suffer greatly due to the actions of somebody who is completely powerless.

That is where I am right now.  I call out to God for strength.  I cannot do anything for myself because I am helpless.  I am a small child reaching out to his Father for a piggyback ride.  Lord, I am yours...

How I Became Addicted to Porn Pt 4

Dear Jesus, I beg your forgiveness for the many sins that I have committed against you, against my family, and against myself.  I rely only on your mercy and forgiveness.  Please show me the path of righteousness that I may follow you always.  Without you, I am weak and unable to do anything.  I give you my life, my will, my body and soul.  Cleanse me of the darkness that has pervaded my soul.  Shine your light in the dark caverns of my heart that I may be redeemed.  Be with me in my hours of weakness.  I beg you, Jesus. 

Amen

Ok, I promise this is going to be the last post in this series.  It will probably be the hardest for me to write, as it will bring up things that have happend very recently.  Anyways, so here I was, out of the Marine Corps.  I managed to get a job working for a start-up non-profit organization.  I was the only employee and was tasked with getting things going.  I was glad to have the work, although it didn't pay very well.  I wasn't acting out as much, as we had a good filter on our home internet, and I didn't have many opportunities.  However, I still was able to manipulate my way into it occasionally. 

The kicker came when one of the board members offered one of his own offices for me to use.  I had my own computer.  Can you see where this is going?  Yup.  I looked at porn there too.  I even kind of got caught one time when the board member came into my office and saw something on the computer.  He never mentioned it, but I knew that he knew.  I liked the job, and thought it was going to be my life's work, when I was fired all of a sudden without any warning.  It wasn't for looking at porn either.  I won't get into a whole lot of details for legal reasons, but suffice it to say that I was pretty poed.  All of a sudden, I was jobless and broke and really resentful.  That's a good recipe for more porn.

Luckily, I was able to get into the local college for music.  Here it was!  I was saved!  I admit, it was a challenge to go to school with a bunch of recent high school grads.  I was almost thirty!  Plus, the girls were pretty good looking as well.  My wife was wary of it, but I started classes and did pretty well.  I quickly found that I could check out a laptop from the library and find a corner and look at porn.  During the summer after my first year of college, I started to get bored with just porn.  I started looking at Craig's List, I signed up for a couple of adult hookup sites. 

I never actually was able to make something work, but I was actively looking to have an affair at this point.  That's not good.  Things progressed with my porn addiction to the point where, after the first semester of my second year, my wife threatened to leave me.  I was so devastated that I spilled my guts to a girl that I knew at school, who I also told that I wanted to be "friends with benefits."  I soon realized my error and apologized, but I was a little scared that it had actually happened.  I started a twelve step program for sex addiction, and actually saw some results. 

I had a blissful two and a half months of recovery until I got lazy with my prayer life.  It is God that sustains any sobriety, and when you let Him go, so does your sobriety.  I started looking at porn again, and quickly got up to the point where I had left off.  I was looking at it in the library for hours and still checking out ways to have an affair.  I was still unable to make any progress with it, fortunately for my marriage. 

After my sophomore year, I worked that summer and still continued to look at porn when I had the chance.  Things came to a boil when my wife found all the sites that I had joined, all the messages I had sent to Craig's List people, and realized how much I was still looking at porn and not trying to recover.  This was a few weeks ago from this posting, by the way.  She took the kids and left the house while I was at work.  She went to a friends' house and left me a note.  It said pretty much that if I didn't do anything, she wasn't going to come back.  It was up to me.

Here is where I had to make some tough life choices.  I can't tell you the conflict that I experienced.  There was a part of me that WANTED her to just go so I could do whatever I wanted.  That was my addict part, the insane part of me that couldn't stop the addiction.  The part of me that loves my family missed them being away for just one night.  I said a Rosary that night and vowed to go make things right with her.

I got to the friends' house where she was staying.  I was a little awkward and didn't know how to start.  She had some demands.  She didn't want me to go back to school.  I reeled at this suggestion.  This was my passion, my attempt at a real career.  She wanted me to leave?  I also had to attend as many twelve step meetings that I could find, talk to a therapist, and pretty much do everything that I could.  It took me a little while, but I agreed to withdraw from school.  I even quite my job.

I got the feeling that I was supposed to give EVERYTHING up to God.  My life, my finances, my marriage, my kids, everything.  I disenrolled from school, quit my job, and said, "Thy Will be done."  I can't tell you how hard that is.  I am still not well.  I have much work to do.  We just back from the beach.  It was great.  I loved taking my kids to where I went as a kid and giving them some of those same memories.  On another note, I had a hard time dealing with all the visual imagry that was available. 

So that's it.  We're up to present now.  I can't tell you how it's going to end, because the story is still unfolding.  I am still a sex addict and completely powerless over it.  I cannot do a thing to stop it except to completely surrender to God.  Please pray for me and my marriage.  I don't want to lose my family.  I really don't.  My wife can't handle it anymore and will leave me if I can't stop.  I tell you that I can't.  Only God can do anything for me at this point.  St Paul said, "In my weakness I am strong."  If that's the case, I should be able to take on Samson pretty soon, 'cause I am REALLY weak. 

My next post will be a little different in that I will be attempting to explain some of the science behind addiction, and how it affects the brain.  You're right, I'm not a scientist by any means, but I'm going to tell you what some of the guys who actually know what they're talking about have to say.  God bless you and keep you. 

How I Became Addicted to Porn Pt 3

Lord Jesus, I am completely and totally powerless over my addiction.  There is nothing I can do on my own that can overcome it.  I turn my life over to you.  Guard it and defend it as your own.  I will not fight, but rather surrender completely to you.  I humble myself before you and anyone who reads this post.  Please bless everyone who comes across this blog.  Help the person who is suffering from this devastating addiction.  Also, please bless the spouses, parents, children, and other loved ones who suffer greatly from hurt the hurt and betrayal we addicts cause our families.  I ask this through the intercession of you mother, Mary, and all the angels and Saints.  Amen.

Ok, so I know I said that this would be my last post in this series, but I thought about it, and realized it would be a little hard to fit over ten years into a few paragraphs.  So, lucky for you, this is the second to last post in this series!  So where did we leave off?  I had just gotten out of boot camp and had broken up with Brunny.  I was on top of the world.  I was stationed in a musical unit in Washington, DC, I was a US Marine, and  I was a single guy earning a paycheck.  There was a local bar conveniently located  within stumbling distance of the barracks, and I quickly started going out drinking every weekend.  I also started my quest in trying to pick up girls. 

Let me throw in a disclaimer.  I have never been a ladies man.  I could never pick up a girl and just go home and all that stuff.  I tried throughout my addiction, but I was luckily unlucky in racking up a gigantic total.  I did however meet and "dance" with a lot of girls at the bar.  A couple times we would make out on the dance floor and stuff, but I never could "seal the deal."  I'm glad of that now, at the time I was a little frustrated.  I bought myself a computer, and my porn use skyrocketed again.  Now I could sit in my room when we were allowed to go home and look at porn for hours and hours.  I would just sit there with my roommate asleep even until all hours of the night.  That was back when Kazaa and the P2P sites were really taking off.  I would just sit there and download porn to my hard-drive.

After a year and a half or so, I started dating the girl who is now my wife.  She was a good, holy, Catholic woman who I knew wouldn't put up with my ways.  I kept it a secret for a while, even messing around with some girls behind her back.  Eventually my conscience crept up on me, and I broke down and told her what I had been up to.  For whatever reason, she didn't dump me on the spot.  I resolved to stop drinking at the parties that I would go to, and I actually did.  My messing around did not quite follow that direction.  In fact, a week before I proposed to her, we took a trip to North Dakota and I met and had sex with a random girl.  That was on of the few times I actually was able to pull it off. 

Eventually I broke down and told her about it, and she still didn't dump me, even though I was expecting it.  What followed was a painful period where I was trying to make things right and earn her trust again.  I also moved out of the barracks into an apartment with a couple of guys.  I wasn't going to mess around, but I was going to hang onto my porn.  I would get home from work and sit on the computer for hours.  I would lose track of time completely.  I would look at the clock and see it was midnight, and I hadn't even eaten dinner!  I was going to a local Catholic church and even started getting involved with the youth group.  There were two versions of me:  there was the porn addict that I kept hidden and in shame, and there was the guy that I wanted everyone else to see.  I would go to confession and resolve to stop, but I couldn't.

When we got married, my wife got pregnant right away.  We were Catholic, after all.  She was VERY sick.  She had "morning sickness" all day long and well into the sixth month of pregnancy.  I wasn't able to handle it.  I would send her into the bedroom so she could rest, all the while using it as an excuse to look at porn.  Things came to a head when she found my stash on her birthday.  That was a bad day.  We got a filter for the computer, and I resolved again to stop.  I even started going to therapy, which helped for a little while, but didn't change a whole lot.  After my daughter was born,  I still couldn't handle the stress of being a father.  I figured out how to get around the filter, 'cause that's we addicts do, and kept up my porn usage. 

We had a couple more kids, and those years are kind of a blur.  I began to suffer from severe depression, I gained a lot of weight, and I would go off and on the porn.  Every now and then my wife would find out, and things would  be bad.  I hated when she would find it.  I really did.  I hated seeing how devastated she would get.  I wanted to stop, but I couldn't.  I bounced through a couple of therapists and even attended meetings of a twelve step program, but I didn't really start working the steps. 

I could be a real jerk to be around.  I wasn't always interested in my wife, I would have a short temper with my kids, and I was obsessed with sex.  My only real comfort came from looking at porn any way I could.  I made a game out of getting around any filter that was on the computer.  I was INCAPABLE of stopping. 

After eight years and three kids, I decided to get out of the Marine Corps.  We really weren't sure what I was going to do, and even where we were going to live at first, but God really pulled through for us.  When I got out, my wife was pregnant with our fourth child, and I was doing a little better, but still looking at porn when the opportunity presented itself.  I was on medication for depression, which even things out a little.  Even though I was acting out less, I still wasn't healed.

I will leave off here.  I promise that my next post will bring us up to present where I have had to give up my life as I knew to try to save my marriage.  I will tell you how she was about to leave, and how my selfishness and addiction took its toll on our marriage.  Until then, pray for me...