Dear Jesus,
It's a little awkward talking to you right now. I know I haven't been praying a whole lot lately. All I can ask is that you don't give up on me. Sometimes I give up on myself and I lose faith. Please forgive my weakness. I cannot stop this on my own. I have no power. I feel lost and alone. Please be at my side. Please provide for my family. I can only focus on my own recovery now. In your name I pray...
Amen
I know I haven't updated in a while. I wish I could relate some amazing story of how I have taken a complete 180 and am now forging ahead on the path to a long-lasting recovery. Unfortunately, I would be lying. These past few weeks have been very difficult. I have felt lost and abandoned and completely overwhelmed by this addiction. I wish I could say I haven't acted out at all. That would also be a lie. I have looked at porn when I have been able to. I have gone behind my wife's back AGAIN. I have cheated on her through my eyes again. I really hate myself when I do that, but for some reason, I seem to keep going back to it.
During these past few weeks, I have come to a much clearer understanding of the nature of my addiction and exactly how powerless I am over it. I have realized just how selfish and self-seeking I am. I discovered just how much I seek to escape from life and try to find something to turn to. I turn to the computer, to food, to tobacco, and to porn. These are the things that rule my life. I don't know how this came to be, but I know that my life is unmanageable and I am unable to control it. I have realized how selfish and self-seeking I am, and how much that affects my family. This is the first step in the twelve step programs, realizing that your life is unmanageable over whatever you are addicted to. It is a very humbling step. I have realized the full magnitude of my addiction over the past couple weeks, and have also been disheartened by it.
I have given up everything of my old life. I am not going to school for music any more, I have stopped singing in the choir at a local church, I am not singing or playing the trumpet any more. In fact, I have listed my trumpet for sale in the local newspaper. This is the trumpet that I bought with my own money after I graduated high school. I have had it for over ten years. This all hurts very much. When my wife found the sent emails I had sent to Craigslist advertisements, she asked me to not go back to school. I prayed about it, and also felt that I needed to leave my job as well. I got the feeling that I had to give up my life in order to save it. I have entrusted the care of my family to the Lord. I know it sounds insane. My whole life has already been insane, so why not try a different brand of insanity?
My wife was supposed to start a job, but they haven't put her on payroll yet. This means that I don't have enough money to put gas in my car. We're also out of foodstamps for the month. Yes, I'm on foodstamps. When I have had an income after getting out of the Marines, we have pretty much been below the poverty line. I can't tell you what a great stress this is. I'm supposed to be the protector and provider for my family. I haven't provided squat, and instead of protecting them, I have been the biggest threat in my own family's lives. This has all really sunk in recently. I haven't been able to get past it to the part where I let God into my life. I've tried, believe me. Either He doesn't feel like answering right now, or I'm missing something. I don't know.
This is a great illustration of the addiction and how absolutely insane it is. My wife recently told me that either something changes and I start working my butt off trying to recover or she is leaving. Any sane person would say, "Hmm, it sounds like you'd better stop. I know I would." Yeah, I know that too. But I haven't stopped. No, I'm not spending hours on the computer every day, but I am still looking at porn when I get the chance. It makes no sense. If I stand to lose everything, why do I still do it? Because I'm an addict, that's why. I don't have control over the addiction.
So what am I going to do now? My wife and I have discussed the possibility of me going to an in-patient facility. A lot of them are pretty expensive. I don't know if I'll be able to go, but I found a good one in Pennsylvania. I hope that works out. So that's it, I'm totally broke, still caught in the web of this addiction, and I don't know what to do. I hope God can help out soon, because I have reached my limit. If you are new to this blog, check out how I got in this mess in the first place by reading my four part story, part one, part two, part three, and part four.
Please pray for me. This is a really tough time for me and for my wife. I want to be the husband and father that I haven't been for the most part. I want to get rid of this blackness inside of me. I want to be able to look at women and appreciate them for who they are and admire their beauty without sexualizing it and lusting after it. I want to love my wife the way God wants me to love her.
I have given up everything of my old life. I am not going to school for music any more, I have stopped singing in the choir at a local church, I am not singing or playing the trumpet any more. In fact, I have listed my trumpet for sale in the local newspaper. This is the trumpet that I bought with my own money after I graduated high school. I have had it for over ten years. This all hurts very much. When my wife found the sent emails I had sent to Craigslist advertisements, she asked me to not go back to school. I prayed about it, and also felt that I needed to leave my job as well. I got the feeling that I had to give up my life in order to save it. I have entrusted the care of my family to the Lord. I know it sounds insane. My whole life has already been insane, so why not try a different brand of insanity?
My wife was supposed to start a job, but they haven't put her on payroll yet. This means that I don't have enough money to put gas in my car. We're also out of foodstamps for the month. Yes, I'm on foodstamps. When I have had an income after getting out of the Marines, we have pretty much been below the poverty line. I can't tell you what a great stress this is. I'm supposed to be the protector and provider for my family. I haven't provided squat, and instead of protecting them, I have been the biggest threat in my own family's lives. This has all really sunk in recently. I haven't been able to get past it to the part where I let God into my life. I've tried, believe me. Either He doesn't feel like answering right now, or I'm missing something. I don't know.
This is a great illustration of the addiction and how absolutely insane it is. My wife recently told me that either something changes and I start working my butt off trying to recover or she is leaving. Any sane person would say, "Hmm, it sounds like you'd better stop. I know I would." Yeah, I know that too. But I haven't stopped. No, I'm not spending hours on the computer every day, but I am still looking at porn when I get the chance. It makes no sense. If I stand to lose everything, why do I still do it? Because I'm an addict, that's why. I don't have control over the addiction.
So what am I going to do now? My wife and I have discussed the possibility of me going to an in-patient facility. A lot of them are pretty expensive. I don't know if I'll be able to go, but I found a good one in Pennsylvania. I hope that works out. So that's it, I'm totally broke, still caught in the web of this addiction, and I don't know what to do. I hope God can help out soon, because I have reached my limit. If you are new to this blog, check out how I got in this mess in the first place by reading my four part story, part one, part two, part three, and part four.
Please pray for me. This is a really tough time for me and for my wife. I want to be the husband and father that I haven't been for the most part. I want to get rid of this blackness inside of me. I want to be able to look at women and appreciate them for who they are and admire their beauty without sexualizing it and lusting after it. I want to love my wife the way God wants me to love her.
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