Getting Current: October 18, 2011

Dear Jesus,

I need your help.  I feel dead inside, trapped in a haze of anger and resentment.  Please help me turn to you.  You are the only one who can restore me to sanity.  You are the only one who can redeem me and clear the blackness from my soul.  As you said to the Father, I say to you now: "into your hands I commend my spirit."

Amen

Hello again.  I thought I would take a break from my Men, Women, and Sex series to write an update on how things are going with me personally.  I have to tell you, it's been tough.  Last week, I lost eleven days of sobriety.  Those eleven days were very nice.  I was praying the Rosary a couple times a day, not because I felt I had to, but because I wanted to.  I was very peaceful inside and doing my best to walk with Jesus and count on Him for my strength.  It all came crashing down when I had an opportunity to look at porn and I couldn't stop.  The life of an addict...

I have been "seeing" a therapist over the phone and I have had some very good sessions.  These sessions have been painful but fruitful.  They have involved going back into my childhood and trying to remember specific incidences that may have caused shame or embarassment.  It is amazing what has been uncovered.  You see, my parents weren't the greatest at being there to explain things, and when they did, it was awkward and left me feeling quite exposed and embarassed.  They never abused me or anything like that, they just weren't able to gain my confidence and have a meaningful conversation.

These childhood events can imprint themselves onto a child, and these imprints shape the way he may view things, handle situations, or even what turns him on sexually.  As an example, and it is embarassing to admit this, but here is one of those memories that I explored with my therapist.  When I was less than ten years old I was at a swimming party with a bunch of friends.  There were children my age there and we were all swimming and having fun.  I was in the pool and I went over to the side.  It was at that point that I saw a little girl peeing in the grass.  I was shocked and excited, as I had never seen anything like that.  My therapist pointed out that I was unable to go to my father and tell him about it.  He never was able, couldn't have been able to point out that, yeah, that's how girls pee.  Boys pee from their penis and girls from a part in their vagina.  That's how God made us, and it's good!

Going back to imprinting, that made an impression on me.  I internalized it, and that imprint has manifested in my later acting out.  See how it works?  It was amazing to me to find out how this works.  When my parents tried to talk to me about sex, it was always awkward and made me withdraw and try to avoid future conversations with them.  I remember my dad telling me as a teenager, "You know what you're not supposed to see and touch."  Ummm.....thanks, I think.  Too late for that when he told me.  I had already seen and touched a lot.  As a boy he had never told me about why I might get an erection and that it's ok.  God made us that way.  Yes it feels good, and our sexuality helps us be strong, do sports, reach out to other people.  It's ok to see a pretty girl and be moved or aroused by her beauty.  I never heard those things as a child.

I also figured out why I withdraw into myself so much when I am stressed out or in a bad mood.  I learned that behavior when I was young.  I learned it because I was awkward talking to my parents about sex, and I withdrew from them in order to avoid feeling ashamed and embarassed.  In a lot of ways, I was left to figure things out for myself.  Sex became something wrong and shameful in my eyes, but still exciting.  I grew very sneaky and aloof as a teenager and went behind my parents' backs in order to do what I wanted to do.

Since I lost my sobriety of eleven days, things have been tough.  I feel terrible about how I have acted  at home.  I have been very moody and haven't been very helpful around the house.  My poor wife, who hasn't been feeling well with her pregnancy, has had to bear the brunt of it.  I have gotten mired down in the running narrative in my head, "You're just an addict, you're a piece of !#$%, you are a failure, you can't take care of your family."  Those are the things we addicts tell ourselves on a daily basis.   My therapist sometimes pretends to be the voices and I have to argue back with them and tell them to leave.  It is helpful and an interesting approach. 

What I really want to do is get to confession and try to keep going.  I find it hard to get back on track with sobriety until I am able to go to confession.  I get totally cleaned off and feel like I am back in touch with Jesus.  Before confession, I feel like I have a big, dark cloud hanging over me. 

So that's where I am right now.  Over the past couple days, I have felt pretty dark and hopeless.  I have felt like a total failure, wallowing in self pity and selfishness.  I am going to stand back up, brush off the dust and try to keep going.  If Jesus can fall a few times carrying His cross and get back up, I can sure get up and keep carrying my cross.  Please pray for me.  I need it.