Dear Jesus,
I am not sure of the path I am being led down. Give me the grace to trust in you so that I may follow your will. You are the only one who can keep me sand throughout all of this. Through the intercession of Padre Pio, keep me sober and in a state of grace.
Amen
So I guess the theme of the past couple weeks has been humility. Right now my family has very little money, not even enough to put gas in our car, and we were short on the rent this month. If it weren't for a kind and generous friend of ours, helping us put gas in our car; I don't know where we would be. All in all, it's pretty stressful around here.
Let me back up. I was scheduled to go to an in-patient facility in Pennsylvania on Oct 4. I may have mentioned it in my last "Getting Current" update. There was a hefty price tag, $14,700.00. Naturally, I didn't have that kind of money just sitting around, and the money tree crop was dismal this year. There were a couple of financing options that were available. Unfortunately, due to the fact that I declared bankruptcy a couple years ago, I wasn't eligible. My wife doesn't have enough credit history to take out that kind of credit line, so we were stuck there as well.
They suggested that we find someone to apply for the initial line of credit, like a family member or something. Well, knowing that is a huge undertaking, we asked my sister and my parents to help us with this. Both said no. I don't blame them. I'm not mad at them. That same amazing friend who has been helping us with gas wanted to help too, but they couldn't risk having that much debt. Eventually, my wife applied through a different lending company with that same friend applying as a cosponsor. Unfortunately, that was denied as well due to some stuff that came up in the credit check.
It was quite a dark day when I realized that I would not be going to the clinic. I was really looking forward to it. I had prayed, I had sacrificed, and I had tried to follow God's will, but this wasn't going to happen. I see now that I had put a lot of eggs in that basket and tried to make God's will what it was that I wanted to happen.
On another note, I knew that our rent was going to be short because our account was so far negative that my disability money from the military wouldn't cover the rent. I thought I would try to sell my trumpet and guitar in order to cover it. That was a dead end pursuit as well. The local pawnshops and music stores were not interested in my esteemed merchandise. I got really mad at God that morning. I felt like He had abandoned me and that He wasn't going to take care of my family after all.
I have had a deepening realization that all of this drama, all of these circumstances, and even the kindness of at least one person rushing to help are a direct result of my actions. I have sole responsibility for the state my family is in right now. If it weren't for my addiction and all the pain and hurt I have caused, none of this would be happening. Both my mom and my mother-in-law have told my wife that they wouldn't blame her for leaving me. My mother-in-law told my wife recently that this isn't the life she had wanted for my life. It hurts to hear that, but how can I disagree?
My wife's sister recently told me off through a colorful barrage of words via text message. I was supposed to play trumpet at her friend's wedding, and I informed her that I wasn't going to be able because I had given up music for the time being and that I might also be going away during the time of the wedding. That didn't sit well with dear old sister-in-law and she unloaded on me She told me that I am the most selfish person she has ever met. It was hurtful to hear all that, but how can I disagree? How can I tell her she is wrong? I can't...
I was still acting out when all of this was taking place. Of course I was, I am an addict. The one good piece of news is that I recently went to a Mass celebrated by a priest that knew Padre Pio of Pietrelcina. If you don't know Padre Pio, you should check him out. He is awesome! We received a blessing with the glove he wore that covered the stigmata, the wounds of Christ, which he carried for fifty years of his life. I have asked him to take me as his spiritual son. Since then I have felt a peace and a hope that I didn't know before.
I finally came to a realization through all of these trials that I really DO want to get better. I am going to be working closely with a friend from my twelve-step meeting that I attend. We will go through the steps together and do the hard work that comes with working the steps. It is not easy. It requires you to go down deep inside yourself and face your inner demons. I am not afraid. Through the power of Christ and the intercession of Padre Pio, I will not be alone. As of this writing, I have five days of sobriety. I am thankful for this.
Please pray for me, dear reader. I want to recover and follow God's will. I want to be a man of God, a good husband and father, and someone who cares for others. I have been none of those things so far. It is only through the grace of God that I can do anything.
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